Reindeer Cupcakes!

I made some standard chocolate cupcakes for Beezus's Holiday Class Party today.  I used a premix Pamela's Chocolate Cake and Betty Crocker Gluten Free Frosting.  Entirely gluten free.  I used standard milk chocolate M&Ms for the eyes and nose.  I used gluten free pretzels for the antlers and marshmallows for the white in the eyes.

I got the idea from the Martha Stewart Website.  It looks waaaay better there, but it was fun and I think the kids will think they are neat.  Then again, there is one little girl I know who will give it to me straight.  If I can get these past her, then I am golden.

Hope everyone is having a great holiday week!

Lots of love,
Blindconformity

Mac N Cheese Gluten-Free Style

The best part about having cravings is it forces me to try recipes I have avoided since our diet change.  However, I needed a good gluten-free mac n cheese the other night, and a couple nights since then too.  I feel bad I waited so long to try this out.  It is way easier than I expected it to be.

Ingredients:
2 Tablespoon Butter
2 Tablespoon Corn Starch
1 Tablespoon King Arthur Gluten Free Flour
1 lb Cheddar Cheese (mild)
2 Cups Milk
1 Bag Brown Rice Noodles (Tinkyada)

Directions:
Preheat Oven to 350 degrees.

Noodles:
1.  Boil Water.
2.  Place in gluten free brown rice noodles (Tinkyada) for ten minutes.
3.  Strain.
4.  Rinse.
5.  Place to side in strainer.

Cheese Sauce:
1.  Grate the 1 pound of cheese.
2.  Put 2-3 Tablespoons Butter in pot over medium heat.
3.  Once the butter is melted add 2 Tbl corn starch and 1 Tablespoon King Arthur Gluten Free Flour (decide if it needs more) - should be thicker.
4.  Add first cup milk.  This is tricky - stir fast make sure to get out lumps.  Turn up heat -slightly.
5.  Add second cup milk slowly.  Do not stop stirring.  Stir for about ten minutes.  When it starts to thicken up add in cheese one hand full at a time.
6.  Leave about a cup of cheese over. Once all cheese (except the one cup off to the side) is in add in the noodles.  Stir a bit to get the noodles completely covered white sauce. 
7.  Pour the noodles in the white sauce into a casserole dish, sprinkle last cup of cheese over top of casserole and place in oven for 50 minutes.

Notes:

Make sure not to over cook noodles ahead of time - noodles can be slightly under cooked and that will also work.  This came out really well.  My older daughter and I really felt it tasted exactly like the kind of mac n cheese we used to have.

 

Play with it:

The second time I made it recently I added a 1/4 lb of Classic Vermont Cheddar Cheese for fun.  My man liked it a lot more that way. 

As per usual - check your ingredients to make sure they are all gluten free.  Make sure not to cook on contaminated surfaces (in other words clean your surfaces before you cook).  Do not use utensils that were previously used on gluten products.  This recipe does make things gluten-free through purely reading.  Cooking gluten-free is labor intensive, especially in a kitchen that tries to combine both gluten and nongluten foods.

The word box and acceptance

Today I write from the place of no work and no school. The semester has let out and after a week of writing paper after paper I done with school! In the meantime I thought maybe I would dive into work; however, the photography field is seasonal. I have no work for a couple months.  No work and no school makes blindconformity a dull girl - and gives her ample time to harass the world with blog posts.

So, I thought I would impart one of my favorite parenting techniques, along with a bit of parenting wisdom.

The Word Box

Once the lovelies, by lovelies I mean kids . I know this might be confusing when they scream, yell, draw on the walls/tub and stuff the cats in boxes, but they are still lovable. So, when these lovelies start school a parent might find themselves (at least in kindergarten, first grade & second grade) overwhelmed with words the kids come home needing to spell and read. If any of the these children struggle with spelling (as both of mine have– yeah, I know, they take after me - laugh it up) then you might find yourself desperately wanting them to be prepared, and you might feel intimidated by keeping track of all the words they need to master. Thankfully there are ways we can help that are easy and do not require much money. I call this the word box.

Making the word box:

I took a shoe box (let my daughter decorate it), bought index cards and I write out each word on an index card. Date the index card words, so you know how far back in the school year the word was supposed to be known. The magical ingredients to the word box are M&Ms (the milk chocolate ones are gluten free) AND special spelling markers (just markers called special and only brought for word work). All parts go into word box when it is not in use.

The word drill:

1. Have kiddo spells the work, reads the word, then spells it again – give an M&M for reading it w/o help.

a. This helps her hear the word & hear the spelling, not just see the word & spelling.

2. Once done with reading all the decided upon words (I try to keep each go around less than 20 or even 10 words) – I randomize the deck – and I read them off to her and she will write them down with her special markers that no one else can touch. Each one she gets right, she gets an M&M. AND if she spells it right on paper she gets to read and spell it out loud gain. (We used touch -through writing, hearing through reading spelling out loud, and, obviously, seeing).

This is very dry (and not great for nonverbal kids); however, when dealing with learning difficulties sometimes fancy is not the way to go.

Word strategies...

from a teacher with a master's in teaching reading and who I highly respect.

1. Hide the index cards around the house, so that your child has to find them and then read them.

2. Pick books that are easy so the child gains confidence.

3. Have your child look through books, magazines, newspapers and find words they do know.

4. Make simple sentences. Have the child read the sentence. Cut the sentence up so each word is separate and then have the child glue the words back into the correct order.

My daughter has frozen up on strategy 3 due to lack of confidence, so sometimes I sit next to her with an easy reader book open and find the easiest words on the page and make nonchalant commentary, like “oh, look here is the word ‘cat’” or “look I found the word ‘what’ – we just went over that!” I act as if I am finding them for my own entertainment, not for her benefit. She usually joins in, but sometimes she knows what I am up to and gets pissed. Just depends on her mood.

Lastly, reading to animals is great for the kid and even the animal. On truly tough days we grab one of our fur balls -cats can conveniently sit in laps and dogs are okay with feet resting on them. I found that these pets are the children's furry saints a lot. Productivity goes up and so do spirits!

My Parenting Tips and Wisdom:

I am no genius, but due to parenting for 8 years and getting a psych degree, plus working in education a bit, I like to think I know, at least, a couple things I can share.

1. I focus on accomplishment always! Positive reinforcement, positive reinforcement, positive reinforcement! I have her high five me, give her a hug, give her m&ms when we get through tough words or simply state "that was a tough one, great job". When we mess up we move on without much commentary, maybe a small correction. Sometimes I supply the truly hard words to keep the flow going.

2. I try to tolerate anxious behaviors like moving around during reading, kicking her feet out and slowly slipping off the couch. But sometimes I just say matter of fact, "sit up", and then follow up with a distraction/redirection from the command, like "oh look, we are on page 20 - that is awesome work." This is to keep her from noticing that I am giving her a command and continue to be positive.

Anxious behaviors are frustrating; however, they are a result of the child being frustrated! Kids hate feeling behind peers and bad at a task. I am very grateful I worked with kids, years ago, that had learning difficulties in first grade. Every kid who was behind in the class had an anxious behavior (leaning back/rocking in chairs, throwing pencils, erasing/rewriting and erasing/rewriting and erasing/rewriting), and a lot of them relied on those behaviors as coping mechanisms, a way to distract me from the task at hand, and trying to avoid the inevitable - feeling inadequate at a school skill. Do not spend too much time on those behaviors, do not get negative - just causally, but firmly redirect and move on. (Sometimes easier said than done).

3. Here is my parenting tip for parents who realized that their kids are not, in fact, perfect: Have realistic and loving acceptance for your child.

Most parents do - how can we not love our kids and still see them as perfect the way they are! But what it is not often said is that parents with children that have special needs have to have that love and acceptance AGAINST a society that might not. Society stigmatizes against these kids and their parents.

I have a teacher this year that is on me about my daughter being late to school three times this semester and for letting her go in the front door vs the back door of the school. It made me feel as if all her difficulties in school came down to our morning routines. It is most important at that moment to remember that the criticism, especially in the IEP, is a result of the teacher looking for what is wrong with us, instead of seeing us as normal people with typical deficits. Do not lose sight of how awesome your kids and you are, just because a teacher, family or friend has.

4. Focus on talents! Let's face it, we all suck at something. We try to hide it, but we know it is there; however, we are all brilliant at something too. I have a daughter that really struggles with reading and math at school. But that same child is an amazing artist. She gets, and has always gotten, praise from teachers, peers and family. She is good and she knows it. Not only do I nurture this - I love it!

Above all keep in mind - we all fit in somewhere.  And that is not just fluffy talk – it is the truth!

Lots of Love - Happy Monday!

Altruism, Bystanders and Bullying

As I read about bullying, and I network, and hear people's experiences with bullying, I also see a true desire to understand what bullying is and a desire to stop it.  I feel encouraged and believe it is extremely paramount to get more information out there.

The Power of the Bystander: 

My daughter’s situation has been getting better.  I do not want to jinx this, but it is important to point out why it is getting better. 

My husband went to my youngest daughter's her classroom to see the class in action.  At one point the little boy who has been bullying her started walking towards her and, to his surprise, several students yelled at him “you are not allowed to walk over there!"  As a result he stopped, the teacher noticed and he left my daughter alone.  The other students are aware that he is supposed to leave my daughter alone and they spoke up BEFORE anything happened.  This is extremely impressive. 

However, nothing is perfect.  There are plenty of times he finds access to her.  Bullying, as I have read, is an “under the radar” form of abuse.  The bully looks for opportunities when the teacher is busy, when the principle is looking the other way.  The bully finds empowerment in circumventing authorities; therefore, bystanders become a key in ending the bullying.

Social Psychology Concepts: 
Bystander Intervention and Diffusion of Responsibility

I will take this section directly from a paper I wrote – so it might read a little different.

 ◦A Sad Story in New York (most likely well known for many):

Kitty Genovese is a woman who was stabbed to death and sexually assaulted on March 13, 1964 in Queens, New York in front of her apartment building.  Her death became famous in the social psychology world, because 38 neighbors admitted to having heard her screams from the street and not one of them called the police.  Kitty died with 38 witnesses watching her.

What social psychologists learned from the studies that followed this incident was that “the lesson is not that no one called despite the fact that thirty-eight people heard her scream; it’s that no one called because thirty-eight people heard her scream.”  (The Tipping Point).  This is termed in social psychology as the bystander intervention.  “Bystander intervention – that is, how likely it is for people to intervene in an emergency – have found that people are less likely to help when other people are around” because of diffusion of responsibility. 

Diffusion of responsibility is a social psychology principle and it is defined as this “a reduction of a sense of urgency to help someone involved in an emergency or dangerous situation under the assumption that others who are also observing the situation will help” (Social Psychology).

What do these concepts have to do with bullying?  Well, there is the bully, the bullied, and then there is a very large group of individuals that are the bystanders.  This group includes peers, children seeing the bullying happen.  Sometimes this includes adults.  And, as it turns out, the bystanders play an incredibility important role.  In Kitty’s situation it was life and death and in the most dramatic bullying situation, though it might not be obvious, it can also be life and death.

In more current news a Wang Yue, a two year old child, wondered into a crowded street in China and was hit by a truck.  Caught on a surveillance camera the world witnessed 18 different bystanders walk by the dying child and not one offering assistance.  The child was hit by another car before one bystander came forward and the child died a week later.  I will not include the link as I would not advise anyone watch it - I have not watched it and do not care to.  This situation is compounded by a government which adds additional fears of aiding victims; however, it does illistrate that this is a current problem.  And can be found in many current news media stories.

◦The Bystander:

Thus, social psychology enlightens us to a third active group in bullying: the bystander.  The audience which is watching the events play out is not impartial and has more power to sway the event than they may want responsibility for.  Had one of the 38 witnesses to Kitty’s brutal death called the police she would still be alive.  It is the same for bullying.  Society is what we as all members together make it.  Everyone plays a part. 

The Three Choices for Bystanders:

1.  Bystanders can actively join in: As Coloroso illustrates “when kids observe the aggressive antisocial activities of a bully, they are more likely to imitate those activities if they see the bully as a popular, strong, and daring role model… the apparent lack of negative consequences coupled with a bounty of prizes such as elevated status among their peers, applause, laughter, and approval (or in some cases monetary rewards) for the bullying contribute to the breakdown of the bystanders’ inner controls against antisocial activities.” 

This is also touches on the social psychology principles of deindividualization – the reduced sense of individual identity accompanied by diminished self regulation that comes over a person when he or she is in a large group (Social Psychology). “Being in a deindividuated state lowers the threshold of exhibiting behavior that is typically inhibited. People are more likely to engage in a host of impulsive behaviors, both because there is more of a ‘push’ to do so (because of increased arousal and many impulsive others to imitate) and because the constraints that usually ‘pull’ them back from such actions are weakened (because of a lessened sense of evaluation and responsibility). What emerges is the kind of impulsive, irrational, emotional, and occasionally destructive behavior that we think of as characteristic of mobs.” Mob mentality.  (Social Psychology). 

The choice to join the bully has many detrimental effects: adding distress to the bullied, reinforcing antisocial behavior of the bully, reinforcing prejudices of the society, AND also “hinder(ing) kids from developing empathy, compassion, and perspective talking – three essentials for successful peer relationships” affecting the bystander themselves.  (Coloroso)

2.  Bystanders can watch and say nothing: There are many reasons that peers do nothing when bullying takes place, most of which revolve around fear. They are afraid of getting hurt, becoming a new target, and of making the situation worse.

In doing nothing self-respect and self-confidence is damaged, and coupled with a lack of skills to handle the situation, peers can become apathetic “apathy – a potent friend of contempt. Contempt grows best in a climate of indifference.” (Coloroso). Contempt is what bullies thrive on.

Not doing anything also increases support of the bully and increases the likelihood that the onlookers will in the future join the bully.  From a societal perspective there is a loss of civil liberties in peer group reactions. “When civility is diminished, it is replaced by false sense of entitlement, an intolerance toward indifferences, and a liberty to exclude that allow kids to harm another being without feeling empathy” (Coloroso). This becomes a global failure to teach our children to the vital skills that are needed for solving problems, resolving conflicts and reconciling differences peacefully.

3.  Bystanders can become witnesses and they can defend the bullied: This last option is altruism – unselfish behavior that benefits other without regard to the consequences. (Social Psychology).  When we teach our children to be responsible wittnesses we raise responsible citizens.

Social psychology has conducted studies with interesting findings. Characteristics like similar race and ethnic identity of the victim influences the rate of people helping. The effort it would take from the peer to help also plays a role; people are less likely to help if it takes more effort. How clear the victim is that there is a problem also plays a part, “Bystanders help victims who scream and make their needs known between 75 to 100 percent of the time compared to silent victims between 24 to 40 percent of the time.” (Social Psychology).

Truly altruistic acts requires an individual to have empathy – identifying with another person is feeling understanding what that person is experiencing. (Social Psychology).

Empathy is an indicator of emotional intelligence and “effective conflict resolution requires empathy; kids have to be able to take their friend’s or siblings’ point of view into account, which presents a natural opportunity for the children to learn to consider other people’s feelings…. In addition to helping kids foster strong friendships, research shows that learning positive conflict resolution brings other benefits, including boosting academic performance and increasing self confidence and self esteem.  It has been linked to increased achievement, higher-level reasoning, and creative problem-solving.  Learning how to resolve conflict helps kids cope with other kind of stress as well- making them better adjusted teenagers-and more successful adults.” (http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/raising_happiness/).

 

Enough can not be said about empathy. It is a skill that enlightens the world. It is fundamental in happiness and navigating relationships at every level. It is used in social welfare, psychology, therapy and would be great if applied to politics. I am not Christian; however, I believe it is what Jesus preaches and is what Christianity aims to be about. It is kindness, understanding, tolerance and placing ourselves in the shoes of those we do not readily understand.

What we need to stop bullying is to teach our children to practice empathy, tolerance and to stick up for what is right, even when it is difficult. I do not suggest putting our children in harms way, but even getting an adult at the sight of bullying is responsible and gives our children confidence and skills to feel they can handle bad situations. Giving the child who is being bullied a hug or telling them privately that is wrong and they do not support it gives our children an outlet to express what they see as incorrect. It gives them power. Obviously, when it is safe, standing up to the bully as a group. Saying we will not tolerate your abuse of this individual.

Next time I want to provide strategies for bystanders.

the Bullied Child and Silence

Bullies Never Win

I got this book for my youngest daughter.  We are doing reading at home to deal with the difficulties she is having in school with a bully.  I recommend this book for young elementary school age children.  I was nervous she might be too anxious to sit down with me and read it, but instead this book helped us to created a dialogue.  Many children who are bullied suffer in silence.  They stop telling their parents, teachers and counselors about the bullying.  It is fundamental to keep talk going in a safe and secure way.  Letting her know it is not her fault is paramount.  I was able to talk to her about some of the concepts I am learning and, most importantly, listen to her concerns as we walked through the pages of the book together.

I have gotten emails from friends and family accounting their experiences with bullying. And comments on what people think about why they were bullied and who they think is to blame for the bullying. I want to thank everyone for entrusting me with your stories.  Many of us suffered with bullying and we look for a way to understand our experiences.

My Post Today:  Why the bullied child is bullied?

First to reiterate my last points:

• A child that is bullied might be singled out by a difference and the difference is real; however, it is not because of that difference that the bullying takes place. The difference is not a ‘wrongness’ within the child.  This is essential in understanding bullying and breaking the social habit.
• The bullied child is to blame for the bullying; however, we as society are all to blame for a child being bullied. We have the power as a bystander, parent, school official etc to step up and intervene.  We need to be good Samaritans to make our world a place we want to live in. 

How do we predict the child that will be bullied? 
This is a fair question.  If we know the answer to this we can to protect our kids.

However, this is hard to research, because how do you research a bullied child until after they have been bullied?  As a result of this contradictory many of the risk factors for potential bullying and the warning signs your child is being bullied are the same.

“The one thing that all kids who are bullied have in common is that they were targeted by a bully (or by a bunch of bullies).  Each one was singled out to be the object of scorn and thus the recipient of verbal, physical, or relational aggression, merely because he or she was different in some way.  Bullies need targets on whom to heap their aggression, and the differences identified as justifications for the attacks are spurious at best, contemptuous at worst.”  (p43, Coloroso).

It seems obvious to call the universal commonality for all bullied the bully; yet, the target for a bully can be anyone with any difference.  Contextually speaking, a difference that is valued in one school could be the difference that makes a child an object of bullying in another school. 

To drive my point home again:  It is a myth, that many children and adults use to rationalize bullying, that there is a set of specific and different character traits which creates a child who is will be targeted for bullying.  In fact “the myths about who is the target of bullying often are based on what a bullied kid looks and acts like after having been bullied repeatedly.’ (p46, Coloroso).

As an example, the U.S Department of Health & Human Services Administration for Children and Families presents the risk factors for bullied children as being “cautious, sensitive, and insecure, difficulty asserting themselves among peers, lack of self-confidence, physical weakness in boys”. All these risk factors, with the exception of physical weakness, are also the symptoms that bullying has already occurred.

Likewise, WebMD states that “Children who are bullied tend to be: Sensitive, Socially withdrawn (they might think poorly of themselves, or they may have a quiet temperament), anxious, passive (they often let other people be in control and do not stand up for themselves), more likely to be depressed.”

In the study Bullying and Victimization in Adolescence: Concurrent and Stable Roles and Psychological Health Symptoms conducted by Menesini, Modena and Tani at the University of Florence 537 children between the ages of 13 to 20 years were split into four participant groups based on survey questionnaires, bullies, bully/victim (participants who were both a bully and bullied), and uninvolved students. “The results show that bullies reported a higher level of externalizing problems, victims reported more internalizing symptoms, and bully/victims reported both a higher level of externalizing problems and more internalizing symptoms.” When the groups were further divided into groups called stable victims children that experience bullying from younger ages on versus late victims, victims that were bullied later, they “found that stable victims… reported higher degrees of anxiety, depression, and withdrawal than did the other groups. The authors focus their discussion on the role of chronic peer difficulties in relation to adolescents' symptoms and well-being.”(Menesini et al, 2009).

Thus, whether a child was a short term victim of bullying or a stable victim  (had bullying experiences for many years) both had varying degrees of internalizing symptoms of depression and anxiety.

What does this prove?  That after being bullied kids become introverted, withdrawn, depressed and anxious.  Well, no sh*t.


 So what actually makes a bullied kid:

SILENCE.  Are the bullied kids insecure?  Maybe.  But the number one reason bullied kids become a target is:  in the first interactions they did not stick up for themselves.  They made it too easy.  Sadly after that it is cycle that is hard to break, even if they do become vocal later.  It is not only their silence in the first interaction, but their refusal to tell parents and teachers due to shame and humiliation.  It is the silence of teachers and adults that witness and write the incident off or the silence of peers who are too afraid to say anything. 

"Once s/he has benn targeted by the bully, how a child responds will influence whether or not she moves from target to victim... if a kid succumbs to the attack - gives the bully what is demanded by showing distress, fear, or apathy; or fails to resond assertively (or aggressively) - s/he changes both emotionally and physically.  S/he becomes someone s/he was not before the attack; and all future attacks will be against this ever weakening target... How bystanders respond to both tht bully and the  target have tremendous inf;uence on how emboldened the bully becomes and/or how weak the target gets"  (Coloroso, 46). 

Psychological Study:
What can we do?  Scream.  Children need to make noise and tell the bully to leave them alone.  There are a couple reasons.

1. The bully is looking for an easy target.  Loud yelling gets them in trouble and is not easy.
2. Yelling alerts those around them that something is amiss.

There are several studies since the 1970s that support when a victim is clearly in danger bystanders are more likely to act than if the situation is ambiguous. "Bystanders help victims who scream and make their needs known between 75 to 100 percent of the time compared to helping silent victims between 25 to 40 percent of the time." (Social Psychology).

The study by Fischer et al at published in the European Journal of Social Psychology in April 2006 states;  "In situations with low potential danger, more help was given in the solitary condition than in the bystander condition. However, in situations with high potential danger, participants confronted with an emergency alone or in the presence of another bystander were similarly likely to help the victim." (Fischer, P. et al). 

http://web.ebscohost.com.excelsior.sdstate.edu/ehost/detail?sid=7549ea8c-7415-4cbb-a18f-89b3c37dede9%40sessionmgr14&vid=1&hid=19&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWhvc3QtbGl2ZQ%3d%3d#db=keh&AN=20065028

This is an extremely important concept, because of the bystander intervention and diffusion of responsibility.  These are two social psychology concepts that I will go over next time; however, if you want your child to avoid being bullied teach them to be very vocal and loud the first time.  It might keep the situation from escalating.  And again, as a bystander you are individually responsible for your actions or lack of action.

I will stop here tonight.  But I have tons more and I hope it it helps parents and enlightens.  Last quote on silence:

"It's not just targets of the bullying who keep mum.  Their peers do, too.  Even though most the students believe that bullying is wrong, witnesses rarely tell teachers and infrequently intervene on the behalf of the child who is the target of the abuse.  In fact, studies suggest that only between 10 to 20 percent of noninvolved students provide any real help when another student is victimised".  (Dragan).

Cognitive Dissonance and Bullying

When people think about the bullied child people assume that there is something 'wrong' with the child that is being bullied.  No one wants to admit to that.  It sounds backwards; it makes ‘us’ sound ‘bad’ and ‘we’ know that ‘we’ are not ‘bad’; therefore, logically, the bullied child must be ‘bad’ instead. 

 People want to, and need to, believe that the bullied child must be, at least in some small way, deserving of the peer abuse, because otherwise they are left with a social incongruity.  Who is ‘bad’?

The concept that a person, no more different or more deserving of ridicule than an average person, ‘us’ is suffering at the hands of the bully peer abuse and psychological trauma and the bystander, ‘we’, are doing nothing – makes no sense.  ‘We’ are better than that.  'We' have postive self image and positive social schema.

People need the belief that there is a difference of character within the victim which causes the abuse, because they are experiencing the unpleasantness of cognitive dissonance.

Cognitive dissonance "by far the most influential consistency theory, and possibly the most influential theory in the entire field of social psychology... (argues) that people are troubled by inconsistency between their thoughts, sentiments, and actions, and they will expend psychological energy to restore consistency. More specifically, (Leon) Festinger thought that an aversive emotional state- dissonance - is aroused whenever people experience an inconsistency between two cognitions. Because the cognition can be about their own behavior (for example, 'I just failed to live up to my vow'), the theory posits that people are troubled by inconsistency between their cognitions and their behavior as well. This unpleasant emotional state motivates behavior to restore consistency." (p310, Social Psychology).

In the social interaction of bullying:

• People see the event taking place, they become the bystander 
• They might feel an urge to stick up for the bullied child
• However, they fear retaliation
• The bully might be popular, well liked, and the bystander might be gaining status or risking status by helping the bullied child
• Aiding the bullied child takes effort
• There are many bystanders and a diffusion of responsibility, plus the side effect of social support for the bully through inaction
• The bystander has a few choices: watch, walk away or partake
• To deal with the incongruous action and keep it in line it with their self image and social schema the bystander...
• assigns the bullied child, the victim, a new role - someone deserving of the abuse, different.

What constitutes a difference?

Think back on the child you knew who was bullied growing up.  What made them different?  What made the bullying okay?

Examples:  That kid wears funny clothes, that kid breaks out, that kid has a prominent nose, that kid has a different gait, that kid has an unpopular hair style, that kid has less money,  or wears the same outfits, or is quiet, or is awkward, or is loud, or is heavier in weight, or has a different religion, or race, or sexual orientation, or mental disorder, or learning disability, or their parents are the same sex, or their parents are mixed race, or their dad is unemployed, or their mom is an alcoholic – what did it take for them to become the brunt of the school you went to?  Is that enough to abuse them?  Do you still think it is okay? 

Because, this seems 'wrong' and very lord of the flies.

I want to clarify right here and now the bullied child is not bullied because of any difference.  I will show that there is not a difference. The concept of the difference is an excuse to justify bullying.    It is what the bully latches on to, and the bully is actively looking for anything to latch on to.  Because no two people are the same the difference which is utilized by the bully could have easily been one that a bystander possessed.  There is only one reason that the bullied child is bullied and it is not a single difference listed above.  I will explain that one reason in my next post.

What actually makes bullying okay?

This is the question that society needs to address.  This might help our joint cognitive dissonance and our joint lack of social responsibility.  If you are unsure what is going on, who is ‘bad’.  Just ask yourself:  When is it okay to bully?    


Next Bullying Post - in my next post I will take the concept that the bullied child is different and prove that they not a difference.  The concept of the difference is an excuse to justify bullying.  There is only one reason that the bullied child is bullied and it is not a single difference listed above.  Those differences are just excuses.

Love Conquers All

Here is my daughter.  She is six and being harrassed at her school.  A little boy threatens to hurt her, tells her she is stupid, makes fun of her work in school.  There is NO EXCUSE.  There is no difference that justifies his action.  She works as hard on her homework.  She laughs when she is happy and cries when she is sad.  She does gymnastics and loves to sing along with the radio.  She is very artistic.  We read with her. I sang her to sleep when she was baby, sometimes I still do.  She loves cooking cupcakes with me.  She loves her pets.  She has Uncles and Aunts and Grandmas and Grandpas and friends.  She is loved.  And that love will see her through.

Taking a time out for Bullying

Cowardice asks the question: is it safe?

Expediency asks the question: is it politic?

Vanity asks the question: is it popular?

Conscience asks the question: is it right?  And there comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular - but one must take it because it is right.

~Martin Luther King Jr.

Defining moments happen early in life.  Decisions made in grade school, decisions that might seem small, can have life-long impacts and social repercussions in life and death terms.

Lately, I spend a lot of time worrying about my youngest daughter. She is experiencing, at the ripe age of 6, bullying.  As a society, we are not only aware of, but even expect, bullying in our schools.  As parents we hope it is never happens to our children.  When we see it happen, or hear about it, we are relieved when it is not our own kids suffering.

Bullying, as I hope to illustrate through a series of posts over the next few weeks with the help of excellent book resources like the bully, the bullied and the bystander by Barbara Coloroso, Social Psychology by Thomas Gilovich, Dacher Keltner and Richard E. Nisbett, Raising Happiness by Christine Carter, theBully Action Guide by Edward F Dragan and various social psychology academic articles and studies, is a problem that society, as a whole, is responsible for and society, as a whole, suffers from. 

◦Bullying is…

Bullying is characterized by three fundamental elements: intent to harm, an imbalance in power, and threat of further aggression.  Coloroso adds to the definition of bullying a fourth element, “bullying is a conscious, willful, and deliberate hostile activity intended to harm, induce fear through the threat of further aggression, and create terror.” (p13, Coloroso). (Emphasis added).

There are different types of bullying: verbal, physical and relational.  Verbal bullying is utilized by both boy and girl bullies.  Physical bullying is more often used by boys; and relational bullying is the cornerstone of girl bullying tactics.  No form of bullying is exclusive to either sex; both boys and girls can use any of the forms of bullying together, separately or move between them.  It is known that twenty-five percent of students in the national population are bullied. (Bullying Statistics 2010).

“The one thing we know for sure is that bullies are taught to bully”.  (p18, Coloroso).  Bullies, like their targets, are formed through society.  Bullies are not born to bully and they NEED the indifference of adults and peers to gain power.  “Bullying is not about anger.  It’s not even about conflict.  It’s about contempt – a powerful feeling of dislike toward somebody.”  (p 20, Coloroso).  Contempt originates from a sense of superiority, intolerance of differences and a desire to exclude.  Often these feelings and actions are a facade to cover a deeper pain or feeling of inadequacy.

“The basis at the foundation of this contempt are often deeply rooted attitudes found in our homes, schools, and our society.”  (p 21, Coloroso).  Prejudices like race, gender, religion, sexual orientation, economic status, mental abilities or physical attributes that are taught at home, and reinforced in the community, can lead to differences that create a potential target population or individual. 

Bullying is created by a neglectful society and it becomes a larger scale issue that affects us all. I will post on the affects later, but the most obvious affects are bullycide (suicide executed by teenagers to escape bullying) and school shootings.

I will break the posts into the bully (this post), the bullied, the bystander and then a series of relevant posts following this.  I hope to really cover the topic. 
Our News:
I have been researching bullying now for a few weeks while we struggle with addressing a bullying issue at my daughters school. This has been a frustrating experience and has caused my daughter a great deal of distress.

My husband and I are trying to learn in a rapid time frame exactly what bullying is and how we can help our daughter with what she is going through. Bullying touches more children than many want to realize and as I am reading I am learning that this happens with many adults too. It is worth thinking about not only your past, your current relationships, but also what we are teaching are children in our homes now, because as it turns out, what we are teaching in our homes will help make the difference on whether we have bullying in our schools at all.

Right now I am learning strategies to help my daughter help herself. I am trying to apply pressure to the school to eliminate the problem entirely. I can post on the different strategies we are using if they come in handy some day for others.

1.  We have been keeping in close contact with the teacher, principle, leadership head, counselor ect at the school to come up with interventions ect.

2. We have our daughter in friendship groups, supported by a counselor. These groups strengthen her social skills, friend forming strategies and help create a network at the school.

3.  We read books on the topic and try to discuss strategies she can use from the books.

4.  We have done role playing - I pretend to be the bully and have her yell stand up to me ect.

5.  And we are throwing a large party to help the kids get some 'street cred' and bolster their friendships.  Not to mention it will be great for us to meet some of the other parents.

I can not wait for the day to post... we did it!  She is no longer dealing with the bully... I feel like we are close.