I went out to dinner this week with a nice group of ladies. The group of ladies consists of three pregnant women (me included - pregnancy is definitely contagious and I got caught conforming to the local culture – conformity is more fun in California where the local culture dresses up and goes bar hopping – both events lead to vomiting). The other four women in our group have had babies in the last couple years.
This particular evening breastfeeding got brought up. One of the woman expressed disgruntlement that she could not breastfeed. I like this lady and respect her a lot. She has traveled the world, got her master's in SoCal, spent time in DC and is very intelligent. She dedicates herself fully to her children and really reached out to me when I moved here.
I have a hard time watching a wonderful mom feel pressure/guilt for having not done something, that clearly, after hearing her complications, she could not. Life sometimes makes decisions for us - we do not pick our children or the challenges that come along with them.
Well, I tried to point out that we all get challenges in parenting. I was able to breastfeed, but it ended up being a little pointless and I have had plenty of unforeseen parenting struggles. I breastfed both my kids (2 and 2.5 years respectively), I did not experience difficulties (outside getting tired of being a walking all-you-can-eat buffet). I breastfed my babies due to believing the hype that "the breast is the best" and in the bay area, not only is it the best, but there is a subculture of women that breastfeed for years and use the breast milk to heal cuts among other things. I also made the decision to breastfeed due to my hope that my kiddos would get the immune benefits. I believed these immune benefits were somewhat magical based on this hype/culture and hoped dearly that these magical powers might prevent my kids from autoimmune disorders, like Type I diabetes which they are predisposed to. Ironically, my oldest daughter had Celiac Disease while I was breastfeeding (autoimmune disease).
Simply put, maybe breastfeeding itself is advertised/pushed a little heavy handed among us moms – the concept that it is an amazing healing life serum and belief that those who do not utilize it are selfishly sequestering it might be a bit overdramatic. I am not saying it is not a great way to feed your kids; however, maybe what is best for the child and the mom is more subjective and individually based.
My man always rolls his eyes when relay my conversations with him. He says to me "you just needed to give her sympathy." I know that! I just could not right then. It is pointless to suffer over uncontrollable circumstances.
It occurs to me days later what she said that really got me going, "but don't you think I get judged?!"
I wanted to laugh and I am really glad I didn't, because this lady also scares me a bit. I wanted to say, "Oh come on now, what do you know about judgment? I had my first kid at 22, I got married six months pregnant in a bag of a dress, and I was swollen and felt ridiculous. I started attending UC Berkeley after having my first born. I moved into a well off neighborhood to get the best education for my kids. As a result I was kicked out of a class I had to compete to get into and I was repeatedly snubbed by older parents. I was followed around in department stores on the assumption I was there to shop lift. People consistently assume I did not do it right - my own friends my age, women with children my kid’s age and society at large."
After a while you just have to laugh. I thought the hard part of having kids young would be me being young, that I would be too immature or not wealthy enough – instead it was how everyone reacted to my being young. I learned to be a lot stronger. I learned you do not need a ton of money to raise great kids. I learned that age does not play as large a factor as people assume. If you want to be a great parent – you will go out of your way to make sure, despite all obstacles, that you are. I also learned there are amazing older parents, but you have to look for them and deal with a lot of rejection to find them. They are worth it though!
That has been my source of out right judgement, but I know parents that have kids with special needs, and my own special kids struggle too, (it turns out all kids do as they get older) and we all get judged as a result.
The point - I know a lot about judgment. And what I have learned is so simple. Someone, somewhere is going to judge you. There is always someone who righteously thinks they have done it better or followed the 'right path'. They will find horrible ways to justify their beliefs too. BUT this does not matter unless you think they are right and you are wrong. I know I did it right for my family.
So if you are a parent, say this with me, "I did it right! Look at my awesome children (please ignore the food on their face, oh gosh, and in their hair, disregard the paint on my walls, the spinning child, any fighting over lunch you might have overheard, the crumbs in the car and that odor that I cannot pin point...) I effing did it right!" Then, if you are lucky enough to not be pregnant, go have a drink and laugh more about life. It is so short and yet so eventful. And those who judge you - let them drag baggage to their grave - it is not your problem.
Ha! Great thing is I prepared for this. Maybe my kid cannot learn math ‘cause you are not teaching it. Just say’n. Step up your game teacher!
