Altruism, Bystanders and Bullying

As I read about bullying, and I network, and hear people's experiences with bullying, I also see a true desire to understand what bullying is and a desire to stop it.  I feel encouraged and believe it is extremely paramount to get more information out there.

The Power of the Bystander: 

My daughter’s situation has been getting better.  I do not want to jinx this, but it is important to point out why it is getting better. 

My husband went to my youngest daughter's her classroom to see the class in action.  At one point the little boy who has been bullying her started walking towards her and, to his surprise, several students yelled at him “you are not allowed to walk over there!"  As a result he stopped, the teacher noticed and he left my daughter alone.  The other students are aware that he is supposed to leave my daughter alone and they spoke up BEFORE anything happened.  This is extremely impressive. 

However, nothing is perfect.  There are plenty of times he finds access to her.  Bullying, as I have read, is an “under the radar” form of abuse.  The bully looks for opportunities when the teacher is busy, when the principle is looking the other way.  The bully finds empowerment in circumventing authorities; therefore, bystanders become a key in ending the bullying.

Social Psychology Concepts: 
Bystander Intervention and Diffusion of Responsibility

I will take this section directly from a paper I wrote – so it might read a little different.

 ◦A Sad Story in New York (most likely well known for many):

Kitty Genovese is a woman who was stabbed to death and sexually assaulted on March 13, 1964 in Queens, New York in front of her apartment building.  Her death became famous in the social psychology world, because 38 neighbors admitted to having heard her screams from the street and not one of them called the police.  Kitty died with 38 witnesses watching her.

What social psychologists learned from the studies that followed this incident was that “the lesson is not that no one called despite the fact that thirty-eight people heard her scream; it’s that no one called because thirty-eight people heard her scream.”  (The Tipping Point).  This is termed in social psychology as the bystander intervention.  “Bystander intervention – that is, how likely it is for people to intervene in an emergency – have found that people are less likely to help when other people are around” because of diffusion of responsibility. 

Diffusion of responsibility is a social psychology principle and it is defined as this “a reduction of a sense of urgency to help someone involved in an emergency or dangerous situation under the assumption that others who are also observing the situation will help” (Social Psychology).

What do these concepts have to do with bullying?  Well, there is the bully, the bullied, and then there is a very large group of individuals that are the bystanders.  This group includes peers, children seeing the bullying happen.  Sometimes this includes adults.  And, as it turns out, the bystanders play an incredibility important role.  In Kitty’s situation it was life and death and in the most dramatic bullying situation, though it might not be obvious, it can also be life and death.

In more current news a Wang Yue, a two year old child, wondered into a crowded street in China and was hit by a truck.  Caught on a surveillance camera the world witnessed 18 different bystanders walk by the dying child and not one offering assistance.  The child was hit by another car before one bystander came forward and the child died a week later.  I will not include the link as I would not advise anyone watch it - I have not watched it and do not care to.  This situation is compounded by a government which adds additional fears of aiding victims; however, it does illistrate that this is a current problem.  And can be found in many current news media stories.

◦The Bystander:

Thus, social psychology enlightens us to a third active group in bullying: the bystander.  The audience which is watching the events play out is not impartial and has more power to sway the event than they may want responsibility for.  Had one of the 38 witnesses to Kitty’s brutal death called the police she would still be alive.  It is the same for bullying.  Society is what we as all members together make it.  Everyone plays a part. 

The Three Choices for Bystanders:

1.  Bystanders can actively join in: As Coloroso illustrates “when kids observe the aggressive antisocial activities of a bully, they are more likely to imitate those activities if they see the bully as a popular, strong, and daring role model… the apparent lack of negative consequences coupled with a bounty of prizes such as elevated status among their peers, applause, laughter, and approval (or in some cases monetary rewards) for the bullying contribute to the breakdown of the bystanders’ inner controls against antisocial activities.” 

This is also touches on the social psychology principles of deindividualization – the reduced sense of individual identity accompanied by diminished self regulation that comes over a person when he or she is in a large group (Social Psychology). “Being in a deindividuated state lowers the threshold of exhibiting behavior that is typically inhibited. People are more likely to engage in a host of impulsive behaviors, both because there is more of a ‘push’ to do so (because of increased arousal and many impulsive others to imitate) and because the constraints that usually ‘pull’ them back from such actions are weakened (because of a lessened sense of evaluation and responsibility). What emerges is the kind of impulsive, irrational, emotional, and occasionally destructive behavior that we think of as characteristic of mobs.” Mob mentality.  (Social Psychology). 

The choice to join the bully has many detrimental effects: adding distress to the bullied, reinforcing antisocial behavior of the bully, reinforcing prejudices of the society, AND also “hinder(ing) kids from developing empathy, compassion, and perspective talking – three essentials for successful peer relationships” affecting the bystander themselves.  (Coloroso)

2.  Bystanders can watch and say nothing: There are many reasons that peers do nothing when bullying takes place, most of which revolve around fear. They are afraid of getting hurt, becoming a new target, and of making the situation worse.

In doing nothing self-respect and self-confidence is damaged, and coupled with a lack of skills to handle the situation, peers can become apathetic “apathy – a potent friend of contempt. Contempt grows best in a climate of indifference.” (Coloroso). Contempt is what bullies thrive on.

Not doing anything also increases support of the bully and increases the likelihood that the onlookers will in the future join the bully.  From a societal perspective there is a loss of civil liberties in peer group reactions. “When civility is diminished, it is replaced by false sense of entitlement, an intolerance toward indifferences, and a liberty to exclude that allow kids to harm another being without feeling empathy” (Coloroso). This becomes a global failure to teach our children to the vital skills that are needed for solving problems, resolving conflicts and reconciling differences peacefully.

3.  Bystanders can become witnesses and they can defend the bullied: This last option is altruism – unselfish behavior that benefits other without regard to the consequences. (Social Psychology).  When we teach our children to be responsible wittnesses we raise responsible citizens.

Social psychology has conducted studies with interesting findings. Characteristics like similar race and ethnic identity of the victim influences the rate of people helping. The effort it would take from the peer to help also plays a role; people are less likely to help if it takes more effort. How clear the victim is that there is a problem also plays a part, “Bystanders help victims who scream and make their needs known between 75 to 100 percent of the time compared to silent victims between 24 to 40 percent of the time.” (Social Psychology).

Truly altruistic acts requires an individual to have empathy – identifying with another person is feeling understanding what that person is experiencing. (Social Psychology).

Empathy is an indicator of emotional intelligence and “effective conflict resolution requires empathy; kids have to be able to take their friend’s or siblings’ point of view into account, which presents a natural opportunity for the children to learn to consider other people’s feelings…. In addition to helping kids foster strong friendships, research shows that learning positive conflict resolution brings other benefits, including boosting academic performance and increasing self confidence and self esteem.  It has been linked to increased achievement, higher-level reasoning, and creative problem-solving.  Learning how to resolve conflict helps kids cope with other kind of stress as well- making them better adjusted teenagers-and more successful adults.” (http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/raising_happiness/).

 

Enough can not be said about empathy. It is a skill that enlightens the world. It is fundamental in happiness and navigating relationships at every level. It is used in social welfare, psychology, therapy and would be great if applied to politics. I am not Christian; however, I believe it is what Jesus preaches and is what Christianity aims to be about. It is kindness, understanding, tolerance and placing ourselves in the shoes of those we do not readily understand.

What we need to stop bullying is to teach our children to practice empathy, tolerance and to stick up for what is right, even when it is difficult. I do not suggest putting our children in harms way, but even getting an adult at the sight of bullying is responsible and gives our children confidence and skills to feel they can handle bad situations. Giving the child who is being bullied a hug or telling them privately that is wrong and they do not support it gives our children an outlet to express what they see as incorrect. It gives them power. Obviously, when it is safe, standing up to the bully as a group. Saying we will not tolerate your abuse of this individual.

Next time I want to provide strategies for bystanders.

the Bullied Child and Silence

Bullies Never Win

I got this book for my youngest daughter.  We are doing reading at home to deal with the difficulties she is having in school with a bully.  I recommend this book for young elementary school age children.  I was nervous she might be too anxious to sit down with me and read it, but instead this book helped us to created a dialogue.  Many children who are bullied suffer in silence.  They stop telling their parents, teachers and counselors about the bullying.  It is fundamental to keep talk going in a safe and secure way.  Letting her know it is not her fault is paramount.  I was able to talk to her about some of the concepts I am learning and, most importantly, listen to her concerns as we walked through the pages of the book together.

I have gotten emails from friends and family accounting their experiences with bullying. And comments on what people think about why they were bullied and who they think is to blame for the bullying. I want to thank everyone for entrusting me with your stories.  Many of us suffered with bullying and we look for a way to understand our experiences.

My Post Today:  Why the bullied child is bullied?

First to reiterate my last points:

• A child that is bullied might be singled out by a difference and the difference is real; however, it is not because of that difference that the bullying takes place. The difference is not a ‘wrongness’ within the child.  This is essential in understanding bullying and breaking the social habit.
• The bullied child is to blame for the bullying; however, we as society are all to blame for a child being bullied. We have the power as a bystander, parent, school official etc to step up and intervene.  We need to be good Samaritans to make our world a place we want to live in. 

How do we predict the child that will be bullied? 
This is a fair question.  If we know the answer to this we can to protect our kids.

However, this is hard to research, because how do you research a bullied child until after they have been bullied?  As a result of this contradictory many of the risk factors for potential bullying and the warning signs your child is being bullied are the same.

“The one thing that all kids who are bullied have in common is that they were targeted by a bully (or by a bunch of bullies).  Each one was singled out to be the object of scorn and thus the recipient of verbal, physical, or relational aggression, merely because he or she was different in some way.  Bullies need targets on whom to heap their aggression, and the differences identified as justifications for the attacks are spurious at best, contemptuous at worst.”  (p43, Coloroso).

It seems obvious to call the universal commonality for all bullied the bully; yet, the target for a bully can be anyone with any difference.  Contextually speaking, a difference that is valued in one school could be the difference that makes a child an object of bullying in another school. 

To drive my point home again:  It is a myth, that many children and adults use to rationalize bullying, that there is a set of specific and different character traits which creates a child who is will be targeted for bullying.  In fact “the myths about who is the target of bullying often are based on what a bullied kid looks and acts like after having been bullied repeatedly.’ (p46, Coloroso).

As an example, the U.S Department of Health & Human Services Administration for Children and Families presents the risk factors for bullied children as being “cautious, sensitive, and insecure, difficulty asserting themselves among peers, lack of self-confidence, physical weakness in boys”. All these risk factors, with the exception of physical weakness, are also the symptoms that bullying has already occurred.

Likewise, WebMD states that “Children who are bullied tend to be: Sensitive, Socially withdrawn (they might think poorly of themselves, or they may have a quiet temperament), anxious, passive (they often let other people be in control and do not stand up for themselves), more likely to be depressed.”

In the study Bullying and Victimization in Adolescence: Concurrent and Stable Roles and Psychological Health Symptoms conducted by Menesini, Modena and Tani at the University of Florence 537 children between the ages of 13 to 20 years were split into four participant groups based on survey questionnaires, bullies, bully/victim (participants who were both a bully and bullied), and uninvolved students. “The results show that bullies reported a higher level of externalizing problems, victims reported more internalizing symptoms, and bully/victims reported both a higher level of externalizing problems and more internalizing symptoms.” When the groups were further divided into groups called stable victims children that experience bullying from younger ages on versus late victims, victims that were bullied later, they “found that stable victims… reported higher degrees of anxiety, depression, and withdrawal than did the other groups. The authors focus their discussion on the role of chronic peer difficulties in relation to adolescents' symptoms and well-being.”(Menesini et al, 2009).

Thus, whether a child was a short term victim of bullying or a stable victim  (had bullying experiences for many years) both had varying degrees of internalizing symptoms of depression and anxiety.

What does this prove?  That after being bullied kids become introverted, withdrawn, depressed and anxious.  Well, no sh*t.


 So what actually makes a bullied kid:

SILENCE.  Are the bullied kids insecure?  Maybe.  But the number one reason bullied kids become a target is:  in the first interactions they did not stick up for themselves.  They made it too easy.  Sadly after that it is cycle that is hard to break, even if they do become vocal later.  It is not only their silence in the first interaction, but their refusal to tell parents and teachers due to shame and humiliation.  It is the silence of teachers and adults that witness and write the incident off or the silence of peers who are too afraid to say anything. 

"Once s/he has benn targeted by the bully, how a child responds will influence whether or not she moves from target to victim... if a kid succumbs to the attack - gives the bully what is demanded by showing distress, fear, or apathy; or fails to resond assertively (or aggressively) - s/he changes both emotionally and physically.  S/he becomes someone s/he was not before the attack; and all future attacks will be against this ever weakening target... How bystanders respond to both tht bully and the  target have tremendous inf;uence on how emboldened the bully becomes and/or how weak the target gets"  (Coloroso, 46). 

Psychological Study:
What can we do?  Scream.  Children need to make noise and tell the bully to leave them alone.  There are a couple reasons.

1. The bully is looking for an easy target.  Loud yelling gets them in trouble and is not easy.
2. Yelling alerts those around them that something is amiss.

There are several studies since the 1970s that support when a victim is clearly in danger bystanders are more likely to act than if the situation is ambiguous. "Bystanders help victims who scream and make their needs known between 75 to 100 percent of the time compared to helping silent victims between 25 to 40 percent of the time." (Social Psychology).

The study by Fischer et al at published in the European Journal of Social Psychology in April 2006 states;  "In situations with low potential danger, more help was given in the solitary condition than in the bystander condition. However, in situations with high potential danger, participants confronted with an emergency alone or in the presence of another bystander were similarly likely to help the victim." (Fischer, P. et al). 

http://web.ebscohost.com.excelsior.sdstate.edu/ehost/detail?sid=7549ea8c-7415-4cbb-a18f-89b3c37dede9%40sessionmgr14&vid=1&hid=19&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWhvc3QtbGl2ZQ%3d%3d#db=keh&AN=20065028

This is an extremely important concept, because of the bystander intervention and diffusion of responsibility.  These are two social psychology concepts that I will go over next time; however, if you want your child to avoid being bullied teach them to be very vocal and loud the first time.  It might keep the situation from escalating.  And again, as a bystander you are individually responsible for your actions or lack of action.

I will stop here tonight.  But I have tons more and I hope it it helps parents and enlightens.  Last quote on silence:

"It's not just targets of the bullying who keep mum.  Their peers do, too.  Even though most the students believe that bullying is wrong, witnesses rarely tell teachers and infrequently intervene on the behalf of the child who is the target of the abuse.  In fact, studies suggest that only between 10 to 20 percent of noninvolved students provide any real help when another student is victimised".  (Dragan).