Simple things I learned

& 

The Weekend Before Halloween! 

 

The secret to a successful move, and life, is keeping busy.  I learned that from a dear friend in Sioux Falls, South Dakota.  She is humble and does not like it when I point out what I have learned from her.  So I feel mildly guilty when I say, "whatever" and decide to hold her on pedestal anyway.   I will proclaim that she taught me that you cannot wait for the world to come to you - you need to embrace the world!  To reference my title, this as a concept is simple and some people do not have to move to South Dakota to figure that out.  I on the other hand learned, in part due to being starved for things to do in a bitterly cold environment, that taking advantage of what is around you is important part of experiencing life.

In less general terms this means looking for local attractions, events, fun and going to it.  I moved to the right place to try this out, Colorado has large community which embraces this very simple understanding of life.  There is always, always a local event worth trying.  I understand why many of the local cities are considered the happiest in the USA (source CNN money - so, if you think your community is better, take it up with CNN money).  Everybody is always out embracing life - with music, festivals, farmers markets and giant inflatable balls we stick our kids in and watch them run into things!  (See picture below). 

Another reason I am sure that some of our local cities are the happiest in the country are the many local restaurants designed for families.  When I say designed for families I do not mean Chuckie Cheese (which is more like parent hell with loud noises, blinking lights, tracking down your kids, trying not to step one someone else's angel, demands for tickets, demands for money, demands for candy, demands for demands, fights and the grand finale full on meltdowns!  The type of meltdown where you end up dragging your little red faced, tear streaked cherub from the Las Vegas style clinking and clacking machines home - all the while assuring the staff you are not kidnapping your own kid).  I do not mean they have great kid menus with Kraft Macaroni & Cheese and hot dogs (which they chargeyou five bucks for and you could have made at home), or adults in cartoon character suits (which you always wonder what kind of adult is hidden inside), or clowns, or ponies, or crayons (which my son eats or throws at passing waitresses).  What I mean is they have outdoor seating with sun, and fresh air, as well as areas for the kids to do kid stuff AND they serve amazing drinks! 

This weekend our outdoor restaurant had solid Margaritas, plus a place for the kids to draw on the sidewalk with chalk (fenced in), plus a grassy area to run around.  Not only are these kid activities effective and less artificial (no blinking lights, no electronic games, no huge walking teddy bears), there are always kids taking advantage of them.   No one is tense about their children playing - we can see them, they have the fresh air and are less sensory overloaded, thus,(sometimes) they fight less.  It feels more like eating at a park with a waitress and a nice buzz, which is, also a simple lesson to a happy life, superior to eating in an indoor, uptight restaurant and trying to bribe my son with fries to keep him from climbing on to the table and flinging food like a monkey at the zoo.  Or bribing my daughters to not fight with the iPad and Kindle Fire.  One of the first local digs we tried out is an Ice cream shop with an outdoor play area and inflated rubber cows for infants, toddlers and the kids to jump on and wrestle with.  They do not allow dogs inside the fenced off human area (and whereas I love dogs it is nice to know my children can play without ending up in a mess).

We spent Saturday downtown.  We grabbed a bite to eat at an outdoor restaurant, (with, as I feel the need to restate, amazing margaritas), trick or treated from store to store, watched the annual Halloween 10k and 5k runners finished their marathon (I told the family next year we are hitting the 5k - it was the kids marathon!), and finished up at one of our favorite ice cream places (the ones with the rubber cows). 

Sunday we hit the local pumpkin patch!  Well, one of the local pumpkin patches, turns out there are a lot. I learned a couple things about pumpkin patches that I will pass on:

• Hit the Pumpkin Patch Early in the Season.  It was a little depressing to see how many rotted and smashed pumpkins there were... it was also very hard to find ones we liked. 
• Know that you understand the simple and enlighten truth about life - doing things is healthy, no matter how your family acts!  The kids may have stated several times, "I like when we got to Target and just buy pretty pumpkins", they also said things like, "this is hot", and my man might have grumbled "this sucks".   And maybe your son does not face you when you try to snag a quick, cute autumn shot for the baby book (see above picture).  Just know you are doing the right thing, even when you are hot, sweaty hot, and holding an overtired child and a camera that is too heavy (especially when you have an iPhone that takes fine photos), and you kids have backwashed in all the bottled water you brought, and you find yourself snapping, "no" a lot more than you envisioned...sigh... you are doing the right thing!  BEcause, near the end of the couple hours in the Colorado heat, and the pillaged pumpkin patch you kids get to try something new and fun, being put in inflatable balls in water and running into each other!  Then you know, it was worth it to simply leave the house and do something fun!

This might lead to a more than a few tiring weekends, but it also has led to a bunch of wild adventures.

 

Happy Tuesday Everybody!

Be grateful, Monday if over...

(this week)

The Special Plate
(Get ready for the sappy post people!)

I do not remember where I read about the Special Plate.  Somewhere online or in a book a family used the Special Plate as a way to recognize the importance of a singular family-member at dinner time.  I do not remember how that family used the Special Plate.  Perhaps it was to celebrate achievements, good choices or general special-ness of the individual in the family. 

For our family The Special Plate is brought out every now and then during dinner for one family member and this family member knows they are the special someone for that dinner.  We do not have one Special Plate (as the other family described), rather one of our plates will be of a different design or pattern than the rest and this is how we know who is designated on a particular night.  For instance I have a plate from my mom's house and one from my mother-in-law's house (not sure how that happened), but neither plate matches the rest of our plates.  So on a night that a child or a parent eats off these plates they are deemed Special. 

What does that mean?  Well, for us means we go around the table and everyone says one thing they like about our Special family member.  This can be an attribute, memory, action or talent of the individual.  For Ramona's night, which happened to be tonight, I said that I love her exuberance, her father loves how well she did in school this year and her sister loves playing dolls with her.  Recently we added a new catch, now the individual has to say one thing they like about themselves. 

I am not sure how often we do this, maybe a couple times a month.  Sometimes this happens by accident when I do not pay close attention to what dishes I am using.  There are times I feel someone needs special acknowledgement.  And of course, when we just need a change of pace. 

Regardless of how the night comes about it is always great to recognize how appreciated we are in our families and to have the self esteem to know what we like in ourselves.  Just like saying what we are grateful for, I have found that we hesitate when we have to say what we like about ourselves.  It feels unnatural and awkward.  But why should it??? 

For my daughters I truly hopes this habit carries them through the years coming up - I hope this gives them confidence, as well as aids them in knowing how truly important and wonderful they are to the family.

What I like about myself:  My intense desire to constantly work towards being better at
what is important to me.  I work at being a mom, I work at writing, I work at photography,
 I work at being a friend, I work at being my man's support and love,
and I never stop when I fail.  I just dust myself off, whine a bit and get back on the saddle.

I fixed the error on my blog that did not allow commentary.  Please feel free to leave something you like about yourself.  If you feel up to it.  :-)  Or just write it down some where, in a journal or on a post it.   

Happy Early Wednesday to my Family and Friends!
 

Family Dinner Traditions: Kids Teach Mom & Dad

A couple years ago I started a ritual at the dinner table of saying what we are grateful for – I have posted about this frequently since then.  This ritual turned into a great family tradition that had helped my family and I learn how we are lucky.  It has re-worked our brains to see the wonders in life, small or large, and to mindfully notice them. 

It is time to add something new!  This last month we added to our dinner time routine.  One night a week the children present something they are learning in school to us.  They get to teach us about it.  (To make it fair we also teach something about our day).

Ideally this new practice should help my children:

• Overcome shyness in presenting by practicing once a week with family.
• As many of my teachers have pointed out over the years when you teach something you learn it even better - ideally whatever my children teach to my man and I at the dinner table will become more robust in their own minds. 
• I hope this increases their confidence and...
• I hope it gives them the floor in the family at least once a week - a special time when they get everyones attention and respect.  A rare commodity in a family with multiple children, and even rarer after a baby is born.

Beezus sharing a story with
our little man!

The first night we tried this is like the first night we try anything new.  I make my rounds earlier in the evening.  I always pre-warn my oldest daughter of my plan.  It helps her expect it ahead of time, think it over and, in her case, come up with ways she will not participate.  I pre-warn my second child, knowing she will look forward to new event, especially when it means having the center stage.  Then I prepare myself. 

To ensure anything succeeds in my family I usually have about five different back up plans ready at my disposal.  I find joy in combining in plans organization of my home.  Luckily for me one of my back up plans utilizes the papers that get sent home from the school everyday, cluttering my house and putting me in the awkward position of deciding whether to keep these papers or throw them away.  In anticipation of my children failing to come up their own subject matter to teach at dinner time  I brought to the table school papers that they bring home (i.e. graded homework, in school writing and math sheets).

For once it did not take all five back up plans, plus negotiating, plus begging, plus threatening (in which ever order works the best).  The kids each choose their subject matter from the pile of different papers and went about 'teaching us'.  My Ramon choose to read one of her in class writing assignments.  It was great reading practice for her and she enjoyed it when we laughed at the funny parts.  My oldest read through her health homework worksheet about the heart.  We learned the heart beats 3 billion times in our life times and that the right side of the heart is smaller than the left side.

Friday nights are movie night at our house!
We have gluten free pizza and sit in our family room,
 cuddling close on our sofas!
 Movie night turned into Voyager or Star Trek Night in January. 
We crowd around our TV and watch Captain Jane Way
and her crew try to make it home from the Delta Quadrant. 
This leads to some pretty interesting photos
made from a doodling program on my ipad.

We got a bonus our first night - one thing our oldest daughter taught us was to quiz each other at the end of our presentation.  The presenter can ask three questions of the rest the family to check their listening skills.  Each right answer is worth ten points.  We have to hit the table if we think we know the answer and the first person to hit the table gets to answer the question.  Turns out this game made the entire teaching event fun!

Teaching night was a success and we did have it again this week.  A little of the newness wore off, but we will just keep at it till it becomes a routine that enriches our lives.

 

Happy Saturday!

Live long and prosper.

 

 

 

Why goals are important: Happiness!

This year we rode an elephant!

Welcome 2012! The Internet is awash with New Year’s resolution articles, blog posts, facebook status updates and videos. MSN.com has already published articles on better jobs and weight loss, as well as, the obligatory articles recapping the best and worst celebrities, weather, sports and news in 2011. Gazing towards the blank slate of a new year everyone seems to take inventory of their best and worst moments of past year and make new, revised goals for the year ahead.

Retrospect: 
As I started to look back over my last year I decided to focus on the positive. It is too easy to see the failures or struggles of a past year and I have learned in happiness practices to remember the good and to remember it vividly. A couple friends of mine requested this in their status updates on facebook. What a truly inspirational concept.

The Maffeoberries Highlights:
This year I took to researching positive psychology, I began meditation and yoga.  I promised myself a certain amount of writing practice, which, between the blog and school I have accomplished (though I am no closer to a book). My family and I traveled - we decided to explore the Midwest. We had an amazing summer in the Black Hills and Badlands of South Dakota.  We visited Wall Drug a destination in the Midwest worth dropping in on. We spent multiple weekends in Omaha Nebraska checking out the zoo and the city. We went to Minneapolis Minnesota for a spectacular renaissance faire, the Mall of America, which has an indooramusement park, and for my girls an American Girl doll shop.  We discovered the joy of hotel suites, hotel pools and vacationing as a family.  The unexpected highlights of our large scale move has been meeting new people, lightning in the clouds/thunder storms, playing with lightning bugs (the girls love that!)  And we learned that buying Sam’s Club packages of sparklers; although legal, is not a great idea.  Around home we got to know a very active community with Rib festivals, Jazz festivals, waterparks, concerts, Falls Park and winter parades with Santa Claus.  The kids had summer school with a favorite teacher, museum camps, pet shelter camp, puppet shows, library time, tons of swimming and some California time with great family and friends.  We stayed in a San Diego hotel on the water and I personally will never forget how great that was, being so close to the ocean and sun.  In fact, when I list off the amazing things we did this year, knowing that I am leaving out great accomplishments (like, oh I don’t know) I got a job! I found that 2011 is a ton of amazing memories I love looking back on.

Moving forward: 
However, we cannot live, even in the great memories, of the past.  We have to keep moving forward.  (For those who meditate – we have to live in the present).  In the New Year we all sit down to make our goals, as we think of our future.  According to Sonja Lyubomirsky, one of my favorite positive psychology authors, goals are one great step towards happiness. "People who strive for something personally significant, whether it's learning a new craft, changing careers, or raising moral children, are far happier than those who don't have strong dreams or aspirations. Find a happy person, and you will find a project" ( 205, The How of Happiness).

 Lyubomirsky states that working towards a goal is as important as attaining a goal. The type of goal can be on a large scale, such as career goals (climbing the corporate ladder, switching careers, graduate school), family goals (like having a baby, moving to a new city) or it can be as small a scale as taking a class, starting a new hobby. The goal can be political, social, familial or spiritual as long as it provides a challenge and is meaningful to the individual it will increase happiness.

 “Working towards a meaningful life goal is one of the most important strategies for becoming lastingly happier” (206, The How of Happiness).

 In light of this wonderful information I hope everyone makes themselves some challenging and healthy goals for 2012 and increases their personal happiness! 

For the blog in the new year:
I plan to continue to blog on bullying (it is a large topic and I will take it in pieces, over time), I will continue with blog posts on happiness/positive psychology (for those who, like me, want mind/body wellness), I will continue to write out family stories and I will continue to build my online gluten free recipe book (I use this when I am traveling and it might be helpful for some gluten free families).

Have a Happy New Year!

Life is a highway...

the girls and I at the state fair

... no a roller coaster, no a carnival, well whatever it is count me in!

Happy people believe there is a meaning to everything that happens. They have an attitude that no matter what is going right or wrong in their lives it is constantly leading them to a preordained purpose. It does not require religious or spiritual faith – just a general feeling that whatever road we are on is the one we are supposed to be on.

We need to let go of the concept of controlling our destinations. I find this, though essential, easier said than done. We do not need to worry about the deviations we may take from our well laid intentions! This is not to say, that we should not plan our futures, just not rigidly. We need to know that the economy, if nothing else, will stifle our flow on occasion.

Perhaps the economy will take a couple bleeding heart liberals, with loose, hippie concepts of spirituality, a love of strategy board games, a zeal for bar hopping and put them in the Midwest! Like us. ;-)

However, there is purpose even to our relocation. For instance, my man and I have never had so many nights together to create a routine for our family that is free of male friends and their LAN PC gaming parties. Being in the Midwest with limited amicable weather has stirred a desire to travel whenever we are free of tornado warnings, thunder storms, flooding and snow. I find us taking more advantage of local events like state fairs, ribfests, concerts, renaissance faires, zoos, museums, festivals… and really anything that the state has to offer. Our children are lucky to be in an amazing school district – not because we had to look hard – the schools out here are just plain good. The quality of life is off the charts. I miss the people of CA, the trees, hills and ocean, but I am not sure I would go back.

What I have learned about change…

Happiness, as well as success, is rooted in our attitudes and our attitudes are rooted in how we perceive our circumstances and adjust. Life is after all one long act of adjustment. It is dynamic! I am glad to learn from this relocation, I am glad to learn an important skill of adjustment and, strangely, I am glad to be in the Midwest.

Give us courage to change what must be altered, serenity to accept what cannot be helped, and the insight to know the one from the other. ~ Reinhold Niebuhr

Have a great Saturday!

Forgiveness a skill

Random Vegas Mobile UpLoad


Today is Worldwide Forgiveness Day. I did not know there was a national forgiveness day – but it is a great time to think about forgiveness and the role it plays in happiness!

We know that 40% of happiness is within our ability to create, thanks to social psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky. It is understood that forgiveness is a necessary element of happiness in our lives.

In Christine Carter's book, within the same chapter as gratitude, there is a segment on forgiveness and anger. Carter starts the segment with a Buddhist proverb which I enjoy:

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned. - Buddha

Carter says that “forgiving people tend to be happier, healthier, and more empathic…” while “researchers find that unforgiving people tend to he hateful, angry, and hostile – making them anxious, depressed, and neurotic as well.” If I had to make a choice I would rather be the empathetic and happy individual. I think we all would.

Carter addressed the correlation between rumination and forgiveness. When a transgression has occurred between people the parties experience forms of rumination. The hurt parties (usually all involved parties are hurt) display rumination in different ways, they might play the event over and over in their mind or focus their attention towards revenge. Both these forms of ruminations are a sign that forgiveness has not occurred. Carter states that rumination causes “us (to) feel out of control, angry, sad, anxious”. Common sense prevails – if you are angry, focusing on negative emotions like revenge and bitterness, you can not expect to be happy. Happiness means focus on positive emotions.

I found this tibit interesting and hope others do too. Forgiveness is not logical! Sort of paraphrased there. :-) Studies show that the areas of the brain that formulate forgiveness are not the “areas of the cortex associated with reasoning and judgment” (Carter, p73). Instead the areas that register forgiveness are in the limbic system – which is the system correlated with empathy. Therefore, “the best way to activate the forgiveness area of the limbic system is empathy – not reason” (Carter, p73).

In “Forgiveness: Theory, Research, and Practice” by Michael E. McCullough, Kenneth I. Pargament, Carl E. Thoresen the positive affects of the act of forgiveness neurologically speaking are a decrease in the sympathetic nervous system or an increase in the parasympathetic nervous system.

Thus forgiveness is healthy mentally, physically, decreasing chances of heart disease AND can make us happier!

However, forgiveness can be a confusing topic as it is not only hard to do, but often people think forgiveness means forgetting, absolving wrongs or continuing hurtful relationships. Forgiveness is meant for the individual forgiving. It frees our minds of carrying heavy stress, cyclying negative emotions and gives us room to move on to experience our life more fully and process positive emotions.

I personally have made errors in forgiveness. It is a tricky skill learning to forgive. Forgiveness does not mean continuing friendships that are unhealthy - it means walking away gracefully.

Because forgiveness is a tough skill here it takes practice. So practice it.

More on forgiveness:

The Choice to Forgive

Is Forgiveness Possible

To be happy you must savor! Part One & Part Two

A favorite photo of the Settlers King and a great memory!

I am so excited to post about one of my favorite happiness findings. This will be a multi part post, because there is too much good information... and I got excited.

Learning to savor moments more fully leads to happiness! This seems too obvious. However when I stop to think about my day I know that, at least before all this happiness reading, I was likely to spend most of everyday going through the motions. Running my errands, thinking about what I had to get done the next day, focusing on problems and frustrated by lack of solutions. I hardly spent any time thinking about the wonderful people in my life, my favorite memories or future fun. Honestly, if I started to think about pleasant thoughts I would brush those happy thoughts aside. It felt down right greedy to indulge when I have so much more to worry about!

BUT every mind wellness book I have read addresses the concept of savoring happiness. Savoring happiness – is what it sounds like - appreciating and fully committing ourselves to a positive experience. In “The How of Happiness” Sonja Lyubomirsky says savoring is split into “past, present and future component(s)” and she states that “researchers define savoring as any thoughts or behaviors capable of ‘generating, intensifying, and prolonging enjoyment’”. Lyubomirsky says that to truly savor an experience you must step outside the experience and assess it. Since she is the expert I figure she must know what she is talking about.

All social psychologists and ordinary people (like me!) pursuing that valuable 40 percent of flexible happiness are in agreement that relishing our happy experiences is fundamental to increasing happiness and, as importantly, maintaining it.

To use Lyumbomirsky past, present and future components - savoring goes something like this:

1. The Past: Is remembering in detail the sites, tastes, sounds and emotions of the good times you have had.

Activity to enhance savoring the past: Lyumbomirsky suggests an activity used in social psychology research in which participants of the study used “positive reminiscence... (to) travel to a mental destination through recall of positive images and memories”. The study had participants list their favorite memories and reminisce about them twice each day for one week. The happiness increased for all participants and more for those who vividly remembered.

I have actually been using this – but in correspondence to rumination – when I find myself focusing on a negative experiences and replaying them. I stop the rumination and immediately think about my positive memory in great detail. Right now that memory is holding Ramona for the first time. In the past if trying to stop rumination cold did not work, worries are powerful, but having a robust positive memory has been magical!

A friend of mine had a facebook status addressing dealing with “difficult people” in the morning. She had been put in a real bad mood as a result of dealing with these “difficult people”. I felt bad for her, because she still had a full day of work ahead of her. I thought to myself she needs a positive memory she can combat those bad vibes with! To me this is a perfect time to exercise taking control of our mind and not let it take control of us. I know, way easier said than done. This is especially true when dealing with other people we can not control. However, it is easy to think happy thoughts when we are happy, it hard when we aren't, but ultimately much more rewarding.

2. The Present: Is being able to be fully aware of the moment at hand. Mindfullness and Gratitude are practices that are especially helpful in learning to commit ourselves fully to the present moment and cherish it. I write about this a lot – so I will let it go for now. But I have a future post on some neat brain research in association with mindfulness.

3. The Future: Gretchen Rubin in “the Happiness Project” refers to this as Anticipation. Anticipation is an awesome ability to get excited about future positive events. This particular form of savoring I have been focusing on recently and I feel is very important. So below is a “piggy back post”.


To be happy you must savor!
Part Two:
Anticipation!

Kids are brilliant anticipators! My children begin to plan birthday celebrations for the pending year before they even complete their birthday parties in the current year. They spend every month changing the themes, activities, invites and locations – it is going to be a Pirate Birthday, it is going to have a piñata, I am going to invite Mary and Sue, never mind let’s make it a Gargoyles party, nope changed my mind again lets have it at the zoo… all the while totally excited.

I have always had the hardest time with anticipation and savoring the future. I know that both my husband and I are likely to hold back our excitement when we think something good is about to happen. It seems as adults we are always concerned about that let down – not building expectations to high. My man and I just did not realize that part of being happy is just enjoying the dream a bit and feeding into the build up. Being fearful of a let down is the opposite of happy! It is anxiety provoking to avoid optimistic thinking and plays into those pesky negative thought patterns.

Kids never worry about their actions back firing. This could be interpreted as a lack in foresight, but that would not be fun! Case in point, climbing up trees they can not climb down! Some of us adults might think this is reckless. But hold on there! They had a lot of fun getting to the top of that very tall tree. It is true that my kids can never have a birthday that lives up to their frenzied fantasies, nor do they need to. The excitement they get from imagining how great those birthdays are provides them with happiness the entire year - which far exceeds the happiness of the single day.

For me savoring the future has been liberating. Recalling the past has never been an issue (in part because I photograph and then photobook and then write about it!); however, the future often has. It is now time to revert to a child like state and just be gleeful over future events!

My Savoring Example: I spend a lot of time imagining how amazing going home will be. I encourage talk at the dinner table from everyone – tell me what you want to do, who you want to see, lets plan where we will go.

I am divulging to the point of making lists. Lists that go something like this...

Dancing, high heels, make-up, tide pooling, cheesecake eating, movies, hair cuts (high lights, low lights, layers, salon), BBQs, the San Diego zoo, Disneyland, fireworks, sunsets, friends, family, hills (hills, hills, hills, hills), trees (BIG trees – oak trees!), drinks, the ocean (the waves), hermit crabs, the waves, Noah’s Bagels, The Jewish Community Center, maybe a hike and Costco. I do this in sing song voice. I am anticipating clubbing, going out to the city (to the a city on the bay!), by trying to stay up to date on the various club music. I listen to this while I work out and I think about dancing and my knee high boots that have had to sit in a tuber ware container under my bed. Poor boots, poor, poor boots.

And I do not even bother with contemplating whether or not California can live up to my expectations, because it is unimportant. I know that it makes me immensely happy to think about the view of the bay from highway 13, the view of SF from old tunnel road, the sun hitting the water off Golden Gate Fields, Sather Gate, Telegraph Avenue (the dude that gives away jokes for free and hemp necklaces I can’t wear cause I am too old), Tilden park’s Lake Anza, the band stand in the commons and Broadway Plaza. OH gosh! I almost forgot… MEDITERIAN FOOD, THAI FOOD, THAI FOOD, THAI FOOD, Chinese food, Mexican food – sushi! I guess I am savoring right now! Which – let me tell you – feels great!

Next will be…

Part Three: Savoring!
Why Savoring is important. For those unbelievers out there.

I won’t torture you all with it tonight. So excited! Love savoring.

Up-dates on Past Happiness Practices

I have not kept up on my meditation and yoga this last month… I have even fallen massively behind in my book readings. The kids had their last weeks of school in May. There were field trips, socials, class parties and end of the year events – the works. I volunteered at all of it and was extremely glad I did. It was also a great time to be very involved in the kid’s school and get to know some of the moms better. However, it left me exhausted, especially because for the whole two weeks or so of this my man was on business trips. I hear he had a good time reconnecting with friends.

And of course, we are determined to cram in the Midwest before we take off. Weekends have been packed with traveling to different “must sees”. This last weekend we hit the Ribfest, the Ren Faire and Wild Water West. We still want to go camping; however, all the weekends we want to try there are supposed to be T-storms.

We have kept up – every night – on our gratitude. The kids remind us if we get hectic and forget. It has been a wonderful experience and I still highly recommend it.

What I like about our Gratitude Progress:

1. I love that at the end of the day my entire family spends a moment to remember their highlights. It is way too easy to fall into complaints about life at the dinner table and this gratitude makes us practice positive thought patterns and focus. It keeps dinner a happy place too.

2. I like hearing what a high point was for different members (you get a glimpse into their priorities or personalities).

3. We have all had days at this point when we feel very ungrateful. I know I have. It is weird to state, but forcing ourselves to be grateful on those days actually makes those days better.

4. I have noticed in myself a newer awareness or focus on the positives in those around me as well. If someone does something nice for me, to me, around me I just notice it a lot more and remember it a lot easier. This is highly important if you are likely to ruminate instead. I will post about rumination another day. Noticing the great characteristics of those around me leads to a peace of mind – the world has its good.

These are striking differences from the first couple days when we had to think up one thing we were grateful for and we all sat there looking dumb founded. To be honest there are days we fall back on the easy “given gratefuls”. It is the – “lets just get his over and eat” moment. The kids are grateful for the neighbors fairly consistently or Beezus is grateful for her video game (though she very genuinely is). Also our gratitude has turned into a daily report gratitude. I consider the daily report good for the dinner table, but would like to branch out a bit.

My new goal is to try, at least once a week, to focus our gratitude on a theme. My aim is to stretch and exercise our grateful abilities a bit. I have already tried “things we are grateful for about Daddy”. I would like to have a family theme night for each family member. Other themes will include: things we are grateful for this summer, in Sioux Falls etc.

Just like a muscle we need to stretch and build it to make it work even better!

I have a post I would like to do on Savoring this week. Time to add new happiness practices and not focus just on the old ones.

Happiness as a Goal: “Is it getting better or do you feel the same?”

Picture of the day: My man and... his man. To clarify - the picture is not related to the post. I just really like it. I want to make sure important people get a little face time on here!

I am reading The How of Happiness, A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want by Sonja Lyubomirsky. This sounds soooooo very self-help and as a result I never would have bought this book before this move. However, I am coming back to the bay for part of the summer at least, if not longer, and I will be taking a UCB course in psychology from one of my favorite UC professors. The course is on happiness and this book is required reading. Thus, I thought, why not get a head start? I want to be happier and I am reading plenty of books on happiness anyway. At the end of the summer I will try (assuming our home is FINALLY sold) to go to a woman wellness retreat to do more yoga and meditating. If you are interested email me! I would love to share the experience.

The author is a very reputable social psychologist at the UC Riverside campus. She has spent her career studying human happiness. She wrote this book to get some of the scientific research to the general public. In light of the new cultural fad of happiness self help – like “the Happiness Project” by Gretchen Rubin – Lyubomirsky wants to get some valid researched concepts to achieving happiness out there.

Part-One of the Book Wrap Up.
Happiness can be broken down into a pie chart:

1. 10% Circumstances: This includes money, martial status, locale etc.

Many people over-assume how much life circumstances influence their happiness. People (like my man and myself) assume that more money, better jobs and relocation have a larger impact on happiness than they actual do. In Raising Happiness by Christine Carter it is pointed out that money does not factor into being happier, BUT when you do not have enough to cover the necessities it leads to unhappiness. Therefore after covering the basic necessities money does not continue to influence happiness. Neither does beauty or relationship status.

2. 50% Set Point: Also known as, genetics.

There is an individual set point based on genetics; however, it only accounts for 50% of happiness. To be fair this is a lot. It is not the end all. If you are predisposed to be less happy than the next person it just mean you need to work on that crucial 40%.

3. 40% Intentional Activity: What we can change with, what Lyubomirsky says is, “how you behave, what you think, and what goals you set every day of your life.”

Here Lyubomirsky refers to the serenity prayer. A prayer I have in my cell phone. It is one that I am not in ‘substance’ need of, but possible subsistence need of. “G-d, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

The prayer (in my opinion) is beautiful and one that is applicable to anyone – especially those looking for how to increase the 40% of malleable happiness in their lives. Knowing what we can change (intentional activity) and what we can not change (genetics and a good deal of environmental/circumstantial elements). Most importantly, we can not change other people - only ourselves.

So… I am going to run with that 40% and accept the 60% that I can not control – nor do I have any desire to try.

Mindfulness and Meditation

No one is as peaceful as this cat. She is an inspiration to us all! ;-)

I am taking steps to freeing my mind from negativity and stress. This month, in addition to continuing my own research on happiness and continuing to implement practicing happiness in activities, I am now diving into the world of Mindfulness, meditation and Buddha!

Mindfulness is essentially practicing an awareness, specifically a visceral awareness of the present. The Mindfulness meditation is focusing on the act of breathing and/or pausing to objectively recognize meandering thoughts and refocusing the self on the present moment without judgment.

According to many experts in the psychology field “Mindfulness” practices leads to a reduction in stress, neurologically speaking, which also of course equates to behavior and thought processes. In Raising Happiness Christine Carter cites studies which indicate that people who practice mindfulness exhibit “more intense and frequent pleasant and positive emotions, heightened sense of self knowledge, which is a key component to self control, greater empathy and attunement with others” as well as being “more self-confident, outgoing… (and) less stressed out, anxious and depressed” not to mention “ cultivating an emotional balance” (p. 133). Carter equates meditation to be a part of the “holy grail” to happiness. It is not an exaggeration to say that many psychologists are agreeing with her as study after study pumps out support for this holistic practice.

To aid in my amateur attempts at meditation I have started reading the book the mindfulness solution: Everyday Practices for Everyday Problems by Ronald D. Siegel, PsyD. This book delves into the Mindfulness practice in the Buddhist tradition. Siegel points out that Mindfulness is beginning to become a regular part of well respected psychoanalytic/therapeutic practices. It has started being utilized in therapies. It is been credited with helping alleviate mood disorders, eating disorders, anxieties, phobias, OCD symptoms, mourning losses etc. Obviously alleviate is NOT cure; however, Mindfulness practices are very helpful.

To paraphrase my comprehension so far the main principles are:

1. Everything is temporary. Mindfulness revolves around the concept that there is a need to accept that nothing lasts and that our resistance is futile. No just kidding, that is Star Trek. Our existence is temporary and we should not resist this notion. Embracing our moratality is fundamental.

2. Clouding our minds with worries about the future and the past are detrimental to our happiness. Often depression, anxiety and other mood disorders have reoccurring negative thought patterns. People who suffer with depression are more likely to remember negative events than positive ones, remember criticism more than compliments, more negatively judge themselves and precieve interactions with others more negatively etc. Mindfullness is great and aids in alleviating some of this disordered thinking because it practices resetting the mind to the present, not letting the mind slip to past negative memories or future negative concerns, and as part of the practice there is no judgment placed on “slip ups”. In essence Mindfulness could be considered a little cognitive behavioral therapy.

3. Mindfulness focuses on the present moment and in meditation on self awareness and breathing.

As I learn more about Mindfulness and see its effects in my own house I will continue to post.

My first attempt on record:
The first night I tried mindfulness meditation I brought my lap top to bed. I played a free meditation (learning/teaching) podcast. I felt a little silly and still do; however, I am very seriously looking for peace and this has a promise to help.

My man spent the whole time being the way grown men can be, when they forget they are (in fact) grown up, he kept burping (among other bodily noises) and giggling. I think I had to start the pod cast over at least ten times and it was very hard not to laugh and stay focused. But as research suggests, laughter brings happiness in and of itself, enjoying the frustration and even immaturity was a nice way to keep in mind happiness can NOT be too serious an endeavor (by nature). I felt, at the end of the twenty minutes (more like an hour after all interruptions), if I can meditate through that I should be able to meditate through anything.

Adding to the list of Gratitude: Soap and Toilet Paper

Last night we all linked hands as we began to go around the table and state what we are grateful for. Halfway around our family circle of four my man asks, "have you girls washed your hands?"

Beezus and Ramona glanced at each other and smiling, guiltily, said in unison, "no". My man gave me a look, which I knew meant I was going to regret some little tidbit of information he was about it enlighten me with.

The sun is out sometimes here now. This is very nice. It is not necessarily "warm" by our California standards, though I find it uncomfortably warm when I try to sleep at night. My understanding is our blood thickens in colder climates and colder weather seems warmer. So, 60 degrees is some how warm enough to sweat by.

In any case last night my man decided to BBQ. He has in fact done this a few times in the last couple weeks. We have even started BBQing honey and cinnamon glazed pineapple. Super yummy! These reoccurrences in BBQs have led to my youngest Ramona missing family friends from NorCal. I had to stop cleaning the kitchen/getting ready for dinner and give her a hug while she "let it all out". It was hard to see her so upset. She did manage to recover and...

Ramona and Beezus played in the backyard while my man BBQed. It was a good to hear their voices and laughter outside throwing a ball around for the dog. Of course this leads to me explaining that our yards are very communal out here. All the neighborhood homes dump into one large yard. Our families section is fenced off, mostly for our dog. So as not to impose on the greater good – our section of fenced off space is rather small, which leads to playing fetch being a little messy. If you have dogs you might know where I am going with this. Basically you can not be sure that muddy ball (we have had a lot of rain too) might not have had just mud on it. And the kids had not washed their hands since being inside…

We took a gratitude break to wash all our hands very heavily with soap! Meaning... mommy is grateful for soap. Yeah! This gratitude reminded me of our first night going around the table and saying what we were grateful for. I thought I would share the list for fun:

Me:
1. Chocolate Strawberries
2. Having no in-house construction.
3. Book Club Ladies
4. Blogging/Writing/Creative Outlet
5. Summer

Beezus:
1. Cookies tomorrow (When we made sugar cookies together).
2. Playdate with a new friend.
3. Popcorn
4. Easter Egg Hunt (This was still a ways off at the time).
5. Disneyland

Ramona:
1. Cookies tomorrow (Again, the sugar cookie experiement a couple weekends ago).
2. Classroom friends at school
3. Toys
4. Easter Egg Hunt
5. Strawberries

My man:
1. Live in a stable environment (he was being wordly and referring to our gov.)
2. Soap (which I now emphasize with even more!)
3. Deodorant
4. Dinner
5. Toilet Paper

The girls got a kick out of his list. Maybe why the first night had so many giggles!

The Happiness Post: Gratitude

This picture is one of my absolute favorites. It really shows both Beezus and Ramona very happy with their aunt. It is perfectly in theme with this weeks post.

2010 was a hard year. We found out that Beezus had Celiac Disease. Beezus was hospitalized briefly for HSP. Finances were tight. Jobs were scarce. My man found a new job. Our entire family moved to a new state with extremely cold weather. I moved from my family and the neighborhoods that was my home for 30 years! We struggled to get our fixer home on the market in a short time frame. Our home still has not sold and offers have been a bit demoralizing. I learned a couple hard life lessons about friendships and relationships in general. It is not too surprising that happiness was not a focus in 2010. For my family survival became our main focus. I know of many friends who have had rough times in the last year or even this year. I worry about us all.

Life moves on though. It does not slow down due to change, crisis or stress. And I am grateful that life keeps moving, so no one gets stuck living solely in the lows! As my children love to sing occasionally, “the sun will come out tomorrow, so you better hang on till tomorrow!”

In 2011 my family and I are ready to move into a new phase. Survival with high levels of stress hormones circulating through our veins is not good enough nor is it healthy. We are ready to pursue happiness and South Dakota seems like the best place to pursue it.

I will now start my mind and body happy posts. Once a month I will dedicate a post to ways in which my family is achieving happiness as a goal, as well as, ways I am maintaining a happier and healthier life style. I hope to have great ideas that the important people in my life can use to achieve a little bit of happiness.

For the month of April:
I started reading “raising happiness 10 simple steps for more joyful kids and happier parents” by Christine Carter, PH.D. I can not say enough good things about this book. I will recommend this book to all the parents I know. I will also recommend this book to my mother, my sisters, my friends or anyone who wants to achieve a greater sense of fulfillment and happiness.

This book is chalk full of strategies to create and maintain healthier and happier people. This book bases all tips/strategies on empirical and valid research by leading social psychologists (including my old professor from UC Berkeley – go bears! - and he is an amazing individual – also very happy guy). I do not believe you need children to utilize the strategies or to read this book!

I can not get through everything this book has to offer in a singular post. So, I will simply state one strategy my family has already utilized in the last couple weeks.

In chapter 4, “Step 4: Choose Gratitude, Forgiveness, and Optimism” Carter cites research in which people who exhibit gratitude are more likely to be happy. She suggests implementing a plan in which the entire family lists things they are grateful for on a regular basis and writing it down.

When I read this I doubted the effectiveness, but not because I didn’t believe in the results of the studies. I instead doubted that applying this mind frame to my own family would change our lives for the better. I doubted our abilities to be happier: a rather large fundamental flaw in my own schema. It is sad how after a hard year, or a hard couple years, it is so easy to express learned helplessness. This is a psychological condition in which there is a false perception of having a lack of control over a situation – as wiki would put it, “a condition of a human person or an animal in which it has learned to behave helplessly, even when the opportunity is restored for it to help itself by avoiding an unpleasant or harmful circumstance to which it has been subjected”. Even having been educated in my social psychology course about learned helplessness I am guilty of falling right smack into it.

However, I decided to try this activity out - as I am changing my old habits - and I am grateful that I did. :-)

At dinner time two Fridays ago I asked my family to list off five things we are grateful for.

I can tell you that I have NEVER seen happiness occur as abruptly, purely and just plain enthusiastically as I did when I requested their gratitude proclamations. Dinner was not unhappy before this suggestion, it was not melancholy: we were simply having a typical dinner. We were all connecting and talking about our days, the good, the bad and the ugly. We smiled a bit and maybe we laughed. But nothing compares to the unbridled joy when I asked my kids to come up with things they were grateful for. My children were literally yelling over each other with gigantic smiles, giggles and laughs. They did not stop at five things. My man more reserved, less trusting, skeptical –similar to how I had been initially at this concept – did come up with a list. When it was my turn I was surprised how hard it was at first, even knowing what we were about to do. Once I started my list out loud it got easier and I felt satisfied and content. It was one of the most amazing family moments we have had yet.

As the book will state gratitude is a mind set that will aid in happiness through out life. It is an important trait to practice with ourselves and our children. Teaching kids to grow up grateful with these activities will lead to long term happiness and not simply dinner time giggles.

I am sure I will continue to post activities and insights from this book that we have used. I encourage others to try the gratitude exercise. It was an amazing and healthy moment in our lives. It is time to have a few more of those.