Today is Worldwide Forgiveness Day. I did not know there was a national forgiveness day – but it is a great time to think about forgiveness and the role it plays in happiness!
We know that 40% of happiness is within our ability to create, thanks to social psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky. It is understood that forgiveness is a necessary element of happiness in our lives.
In Christine Carter's book, within the same chapter as gratitude, there is a segment on forgiveness and anger. Carter starts the segment with a Buddhist proverb which I enjoy:
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned. - Buddha
Carter says that “forgiving people tend to be happier, healthier, and more empathic…” while “researchers find that unforgiving people tend to he hateful, angry, and hostile – making them anxious, depressed, and neurotic as well.” If I had to make a choice I would rather be the empathetic and happy individual. I think we all would.
Carter addressed the correlation between rumination and forgiveness. When a transgression has occurred between people the parties experience forms of rumination. The hurt parties (usually all involved parties are hurt) display rumination in different ways, they might play the event over and over in their mind or focus their attention towards revenge. Both these forms of ruminations are a sign that forgiveness has not occurred. Carter states that rumination causes “us (to) feel out of control, angry, sad, anxious”. Common sense prevails – if you are angry, focusing on negative emotions like revenge and bitterness, you can not expect to be happy. Happiness means focus on positive emotions.
I found this tibit interesting and hope others do too. Forgiveness is not logical! Sort of paraphrased there. :-) Studies show that the areas of the brain that formulate forgiveness are not the “areas of the cortex associated with reasoning and judgment” (Carter, p73). Instead the areas that register forgiveness are in the limbic system – which is the system correlated with empathy. Therefore, “the best way to activate the forgiveness area of the limbic system is empathy – not reason” (Carter, p73).
In “Forgiveness: Theory, Research, and Practice” by Michael E. McCullough, Kenneth I. Pargament, Carl E. Thoresen the positive affects of the act of forgiveness neurologically speaking are a decrease in the sympathetic nervous system or an increase in the parasympathetic nervous system.
Thus forgiveness is healthy mentally, physically, decreasing chances of heart disease AND can make us happier!
However, forgiveness can be a confusing topic as it is not only hard to do, but often people think forgiveness means forgetting, absolving wrongs or continuing hurtful relationships. Forgiveness is meant for the individual forgiving. It frees our minds of carrying heavy stress, cyclying negative emotions and gives us room to move on to experience our life more fully and process positive emotions.
I personally have made errors in forgiveness. It is a tricky skill learning to forgive. Forgiveness does not mean continuing friendships that are unhealthy - it means walking away gracefully.
Because forgiveness is a tough skill here it takes practice. So practice it.
More on forgiveness:
The Choice to Forgive
Is Forgiveness Possible
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