I have been asked, in the past:  how can a parent help their child if they are being bullied?  

I read a lot of books and looked up plenty of articles with different advice and theories.  I have written on here about some of them, but I firmly believe to help your child you need to move them.  Move them to a different school, if possible a different neighborhood or city.  They need a clean slate.  Let them know it is not their fault, that sometimes people are cruel.  This advice is not "giving up".  The bully does not win.  It is giving a gift to your child.  They can still have a wonderful childhood, one in which they are accepted and free from stress.  They should not have to be a figurehead for justice, or a martyr for a cause, they deserve to just be a regular child at school.

This might not be doable for everyone, economics and other life logistics can complicate or even negate moving as a viable solution.   This is why this advice is hard to give out. And often, this advice is just not given at all.  The idea that a bullied kid is helpless to the system, doomed to the drudgery of everyday bullying, at the mercy of officials that might at best be apathetic and at worst just not care, is untrue.

To grasp the need for this advice imagine bullying as a bully giving your kid a highly contagious and fatal disease.  Everybody is now afraid to help, because they do not want to get sick.  No one is an objective bystander, because of their fear.  This is true of your child's peers, as well as the administration.  No one wants to admit it, but once the bully gets their target picked out, and the harassment is bad enough that the parent is informed, the rest the school has taken a step back from the target.  School administrators do not want the taint of a poor reputation or potential legal action and frankly some officials are lazy or stupid (watch the film Bully to see what I mean).  Avoid complications, avoid conflict and deny, deny, deny - this is the safest line of school defense. It is easier and better for the school if the problem is the bullied child and the parent or parents of that child.  The other students do not want to be next in line to be bullied - so they either ostracize your child or they join the bully.  Joining the bully seems incomprehensible; however, it is done in hopes the allegiance to the stronger party will keep them safe. Survival of the fittest.

Three years ago a little boy choose to bully my daughter.  Why?  Well, she was seated next to him the first few weeks of first grade.  There is no other reason outside of pure proximity.  What started as stealing her school supplies and poking her quickly escalated into detailed death threats.  She was followed around the playground as he described ripping her head off, among other disturbing imagery.  It is hard to blame the other first graders for taking a step back.  That is some scary shit for first grade; however, why the bully was not expelled is beyond me.  We pushed to have actions taken and were kept at arms length on any of the potential repercussions of his transgressions.  His behavior was as far outside the limitations of appropriate behavior as he could get, unless he actually tried to make good on his threats.  It was explained to me, almost as an excuse, he played violent video games.  WTF, who cares.  Expel the kid regardless of his video game time.  I guess I was under the strange impression school taught students, but I guess the buck stops at how their state tests scores are looking, how they treat each other is not relevant without money to back it.

What affect did this have on my daughter.  Well, what affect would this have on anyone?  She had nightmares and a hard time sleeping.  She had stomachaches and headaches as a result of stress.  Her self-esteem suffered: she worried about her intelligence and her looks.  Her academic progress stopped cold. In the first weeks of first grade she stopped learning.  We were given IEP services for her "depression", but only if we agreed the "depression" had started before she began school in their district - covering their asses in case I brought up her "depression" was directly related to the bullying.  We ended up repeating first grade, at my request.  She not only needed to catch up academically, but I hoped to gain some space from a peer group tainted against her.

Because no adults at the school told her it was not her fault, and they never stuck up for her by expelling the bully she internalized a sense of worthlessness which was reinforced by the other students taking a step back.

Bullying is a public form of humiliation and debasement.  Everyone who does not speak out against it approves it.   Not indirectly, not by accident, there is no oops, sorry.  The way to stop it has to be public intolerance.  Expelling bullies is a public and clear message from the administration to the school, students and the victim that bullying is unacceptable.  

Expulsion makes it clear who is actually in the wrong, in a society that looks for blame in the victim.  Bullies look for a physical trait they can expose as "dorky" (braces, glasses, teeth, tall, short, large, small - you name it), they look for a verbal quirkiness (stutter, phrasing) ,they look for a different skin color, sexual orientation, mental capabilities or even a blush or laugh that they can exploit.  Once the bully latches on to a target the rest of us see this trait for the first time, and secretly we nod to ourselves, oh, I can see why that kid is being bullied.  We reassure ourselves that we are different, we are okay.  Sadly, this is bullshit.  Please look in the mirror, listen to yourself talk there is something there that someone can exploit.  Don't kid yourself.  Bullying is the luck of the draw.  Which is why when I say there is noting different, no fault in the kid being bullied I mean it.  The problem is the bully.  The fault is with the bully.  The characteristic that is unacceptable to society is the bullies need to victimize others. 

It is time to validate the children who are bulled.  Who are worthwhile, who matter.  Punishing the bully with expulsion validates a child being bulled who is otherwise told by society they do not matter.  And my daughter matters.

We have moved.  In our new hometown my daughter is considered a valuable part of her community.  She is doing well in school, she is an artist, a friend, and is most importantly happy!  Today she is heading off to a classroom beach party and life is good.  I want to forget about that one year of bullying we experienced, but that would be doing a disservice to other children out there.  Not everyone can pack up and move from a bad situation.  So it is important as a human being to support children who are bullied, to make it clear it is not their fault, and to voice that the public school system needs to start taking responsibility for the behavior of their students.

Bullying: Steps with School

"We've got to dispel the myth that bullying is just a normal rite of passage, or an inevitable part of growing up. It's not," said President Obama. "We have an obligation to ensure that our schools are safe for all of our kids. Every single young person deserves the opportunity to learn and grow and achieve their potential, without having to worry about the constant threat of harassment." (ED.gov).

A friend of mine asked me recently about bullying: “With all the research you have done, what are the different roles people can play to help?”  She was referring to the parent, the school and the children involved.

I find this question both easy and hard to answer.  It is easy because a lot of the what-to-do’s are relatively standard and in the books I have read, on websites and presented in the media.  It is hard because once bullying has escalated the steps I will post are all part of damage control.  Stopping the bullying, holding the school accountable, getting the bullied child help.  Standard clean up.  Ideally, if I could answer this question the way I want I would say prevention with education.  Stop bullying before it starts.

Education is paramount in preventing bullying. Please always keep that in mind. To address any issue there needs to be a clear understanding of it.
For this post I will focus on what I know of addressing the school:

The School:  First thing is first.  Who is responsible for the bullying?  We all want to believe that the school is accountable for student’s safety.  The school should provide a safe environment for the children to learn.  The responsibility of the school tends to spark debate in gray areas of cyber bullying, bullycides and school shootings; however, one thing is clear, while student are on the school grounds the school is supposed to provide a safe environment.  Law suits come into play when the school/teachers/faculty are negligent in addressing safety concerns.  I.e. they are made aware of bullying through reports, but are not addressing the bullying or are neglecting to report and take action against incidents they witness.

• The first step:  Know your school’s policies that address bullying, harassment, assault etc.  I was able to find mine on the district website.  Ask for the disciplinary policies from the office.  

• The second step:  Report all bullying incidents to the principal.  I suggest doing this in writing (my man is a lawyer and this is what he suggests).  Utilize the language from policies when talking with administration, make it clear – ‘this’ incident violates ‘this’ policy.  Do not be abrasive in your language.  It is easy to be angry, exhausted and frustrated; however, be careful never to be confrontational.  Ideally the principal will want to work with you and you need to want to work with them too.  In all accounts of bullying include relevant details, be specific, of the bullying incident itself.  Do not clutter the account with irrelevant information.  Report every single incident you hear about.  Keep these reports and the responses.    

In the book The Bullying Action Guide: How to help your child and get your school to listen Edward F. Dragan states, “Not reporting bullying to the school puts the burden of dealing with it on the child.  That responsibility belongs with the school.”

 He illustrates a constructive way to write a follow up letter to a principal (one I wish I had utilized):


Dear Principal XXX,

I want to compliment you on your school’s strong anti-bullying policy.  I spoke with Mr. ABC recently about the policy and a problem with my daughter was having with two students.  According to Mr. ABC, these two students violated the school policy.  He indicated to me that he would speak with the students and their parents, and that if the bullying occurred again, they would be disciplined.  I appreciated all his attention to this problem, because my daughter was negatively affected by this bullying.

 That being said, however, I am afraid that the bullying is still continuing, even though I am sure Mr. ABC followed through. 

At this time, I am seeking your intervention to ensure that the district policy is followed.  I would appreciate it if you would check with Mr ABC to see what was actually done to stop the bullying, because it is still occurring.

If you would  please check in and give me a call 123-4567 when you have a chance, I would greatly appreciate it.


Sincerely,

Your Name

• Third step:  Ask for a meeting to discuss a course of action.  Again getting an action plan written out is imperative.  The school will address the issues at hand in X, Y and Z ways.

• Fourth step:  Is follow up.  Write a thank you stating what was said in the meeting and showing gratitude that the actions will be followed up on.

 
Ideally, the bullying is dealt with.  Problems arise when anywhere along these steps the school becomes uncommunicative and negligent.  This is when legal action is required and consulting with an attorney is more important than reading Internet blogs or books.  Bullying needs to be taken seriously by everyone.  Do not assume ever that the responsibility rests with the bullied child.  They never need to toughen up and often once the bullying has started it is completely outside of their individual control.

This is a very helpful link that addresses my friends question:
Bullying Frequently Asked Questions from the Department of Education

No matter what - first step is the school and getting the bullying under control!  Get a paper trail.  Keep good records.  Keep daily journals of incidents.  If you make phone calls take names, dates and times. Keep a journal of your child's health - they can get stomach aches and head aches and emotional well being. 

It is also extremely important to keep open lines of nonjudgmental communication with your child to know what is happening.  I will write a post on this.  But in the mean time the Bullying Frequently Asked Questions from the Department of Education addresses what parents can do.  Both books I advocate are The bully, the bullied and the bystander and The Bullying Action Guide address how to talk to your children.  Know that more damage can be done and communication lines with your child can break down if you are not careful in how you talk to them.  Do consult resources on how to talk with your child before trying to get details out of them.

Altruism, Bystanders and Bullying

As I read about bullying, and I network, and hear people's experiences with bullying, I also see a true desire to understand what bullying is and a desire to stop it.  I feel encouraged and believe it is extremely paramount to get more information out there.

The Power of the Bystander: 

My daughter’s situation has been getting better.  I do not want to jinx this, but it is important to point out why it is getting better. 

My husband went to my youngest daughter's her classroom to see the class in action.  At one point the little boy who has been bullying her started walking towards her and, to his surprise, several students yelled at him “you are not allowed to walk over there!"  As a result he stopped, the teacher noticed and he left my daughter alone.  The other students are aware that he is supposed to leave my daughter alone and they spoke up BEFORE anything happened.  This is extremely impressive. 

However, nothing is perfect.  There are plenty of times he finds access to her.  Bullying, as I have read, is an “under the radar” form of abuse.  The bully looks for opportunities when the teacher is busy, when the principle is looking the other way.  The bully finds empowerment in circumventing authorities; therefore, bystanders become a key in ending the bullying.

Social Psychology Concepts: 
Bystander Intervention and Diffusion of Responsibility

I will take this section directly from a paper I wrote – so it might read a little different.

 ◦A Sad Story in New York (most likely well known for many):

Kitty Genovese is a woman who was stabbed to death and sexually assaulted on March 13, 1964 in Queens, New York in front of her apartment building.  Her death became famous in the social psychology world, because 38 neighbors admitted to having heard her screams from the street and not one of them called the police.  Kitty died with 38 witnesses watching her.

What social psychologists learned from the studies that followed this incident was that “the lesson is not that no one called despite the fact that thirty-eight people heard her scream; it’s that no one called because thirty-eight people heard her scream.”  (The Tipping Point).  This is termed in social psychology as the bystander intervention.  “Bystander intervention – that is, how likely it is for people to intervene in an emergency – have found that people are less likely to help when other people are around” because of diffusion of responsibility. 

Diffusion of responsibility is a social psychology principle and it is defined as this “a reduction of a sense of urgency to help someone involved in an emergency or dangerous situation under the assumption that others who are also observing the situation will help” (Social Psychology).

What do these concepts have to do with bullying?  Well, there is the bully, the bullied, and then there is a very large group of individuals that are the bystanders.  This group includes peers, children seeing the bullying happen.  Sometimes this includes adults.  And, as it turns out, the bystanders play an incredibility important role.  In Kitty’s situation it was life and death and in the most dramatic bullying situation, though it might not be obvious, it can also be life and death.

In more current news a Wang Yue, a two year old child, wondered into a crowded street in China and was hit by a truck.  Caught on a surveillance camera the world witnessed 18 different bystanders walk by the dying child and not one offering assistance.  The child was hit by another car before one bystander came forward and the child died a week later.  I will not include the link as I would not advise anyone watch it - I have not watched it and do not care to.  This situation is compounded by a government which adds additional fears of aiding victims; however, it does illistrate that this is a current problem.  And can be found in many current news media stories.

◦The Bystander:

Thus, social psychology enlightens us to a third active group in bullying: the bystander.  The audience which is watching the events play out is not impartial and has more power to sway the event than they may want responsibility for.  Had one of the 38 witnesses to Kitty’s brutal death called the police she would still be alive.  It is the same for bullying.  Society is what we as all members together make it.  Everyone plays a part. 

The Three Choices for Bystanders:

1.  Bystanders can actively join in: As Coloroso illustrates “when kids observe the aggressive antisocial activities of a bully, they are more likely to imitate those activities if they see the bully as a popular, strong, and daring role model… the apparent lack of negative consequences coupled with a bounty of prizes such as elevated status among their peers, applause, laughter, and approval (or in some cases monetary rewards) for the bullying contribute to the breakdown of the bystanders’ inner controls against antisocial activities.” 

This is also touches on the social psychology principles of deindividualization – the reduced sense of individual identity accompanied by diminished self regulation that comes over a person when he or she is in a large group (Social Psychology). “Being in a deindividuated state lowers the threshold of exhibiting behavior that is typically inhibited. People are more likely to engage in a host of impulsive behaviors, both because there is more of a ‘push’ to do so (because of increased arousal and many impulsive others to imitate) and because the constraints that usually ‘pull’ them back from such actions are weakened (because of a lessened sense of evaluation and responsibility). What emerges is the kind of impulsive, irrational, emotional, and occasionally destructive behavior that we think of as characteristic of mobs.” Mob mentality.  (Social Psychology). 

The choice to join the bully has many detrimental effects: adding distress to the bullied, reinforcing antisocial behavior of the bully, reinforcing prejudices of the society, AND also “hinder(ing) kids from developing empathy, compassion, and perspective talking – three essentials for successful peer relationships” affecting the bystander themselves.  (Coloroso)

2.  Bystanders can watch and say nothing: There are many reasons that peers do nothing when bullying takes place, most of which revolve around fear. They are afraid of getting hurt, becoming a new target, and of making the situation worse.

In doing nothing self-respect and self-confidence is damaged, and coupled with a lack of skills to handle the situation, peers can become apathetic “apathy – a potent friend of contempt. Contempt grows best in a climate of indifference.” (Coloroso). Contempt is what bullies thrive on.

Not doing anything also increases support of the bully and increases the likelihood that the onlookers will in the future join the bully.  From a societal perspective there is a loss of civil liberties in peer group reactions. “When civility is diminished, it is replaced by false sense of entitlement, an intolerance toward indifferences, and a liberty to exclude that allow kids to harm another being without feeling empathy” (Coloroso). This becomes a global failure to teach our children to the vital skills that are needed for solving problems, resolving conflicts and reconciling differences peacefully.

3.  Bystanders can become witnesses and they can defend the bullied: This last option is altruism – unselfish behavior that benefits other without regard to the consequences. (Social Psychology).  When we teach our children to be responsible wittnesses we raise responsible citizens.

Social psychology has conducted studies with interesting findings. Characteristics like similar race and ethnic identity of the victim influences the rate of people helping. The effort it would take from the peer to help also plays a role; people are less likely to help if it takes more effort. How clear the victim is that there is a problem also plays a part, “Bystanders help victims who scream and make their needs known between 75 to 100 percent of the time compared to silent victims between 24 to 40 percent of the time.” (Social Psychology).

Truly altruistic acts requires an individual to have empathy – identifying with another person is feeling understanding what that person is experiencing. (Social Psychology).

Empathy is an indicator of emotional intelligence and “effective conflict resolution requires empathy; kids have to be able to take their friend’s or siblings’ point of view into account, which presents a natural opportunity for the children to learn to consider other people’s feelings…. In addition to helping kids foster strong friendships, research shows that learning positive conflict resolution brings other benefits, including boosting academic performance and increasing self confidence and self esteem.  It has been linked to increased achievement, higher-level reasoning, and creative problem-solving.  Learning how to resolve conflict helps kids cope with other kind of stress as well- making them better adjusted teenagers-and more successful adults.” (http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/raising_happiness/).

 

Enough can not be said about empathy. It is a skill that enlightens the world. It is fundamental in happiness and navigating relationships at every level. It is used in social welfare, psychology, therapy and would be great if applied to politics. I am not Christian; however, I believe it is what Jesus preaches and is what Christianity aims to be about. It is kindness, understanding, tolerance and placing ourselves in the shoes of those we do not readily understand.

What we need to stop bullying is to teach our children to practice empathy, tolerance and to stick up for what is right, even when it is difficult. I do not suggest putting our children in harms way, but even getting an adult at the sight of bullying is responsible and gives our children confidence and skills to feel they can handle bad situations. Giving the child who is being bullied a hug or telling them privately that is wrong and they do not support it gives our children an outlet to express what they see as incorrect. It gives them power. Obviously, when it is safe, standing up to the bully as a group. Saying we will not tolerate your abuse of this individual.

Next time I want to provide strategies for bystanders.

the Bullied Child and Silence

Bullies Never Win

I got this book for my youngest daughter.  We are doing reading at home to deal with the difficulties she is having in school with a bully.  I recommend this book for young elementary school age children.  I was nervous she might be too anxious to sit down with me and read it, but instead this book helped us to created a dialogue.  Many children who are bullied suffer in silence.  They stop telling their parents, teachers and counselors about the bullying.  It is fundamental to keep talk going in a safe and secure way.  Letting her know it is not her fault is paramount.  I was able to talk to her about some of the concepts I am learning and, most importantly, listen to her concerns as we walked through the pages of the book together.

I have gotten emails from friends and family accounting their experiences with bullying. And comments on what people think about why they were bullied and who they think is to blame for the bullying. I want to thank everyone for entrusting me with your stories.  Many of us suffered with bullying and we look for a way to understand our experiences.

My Post Today:  Why the bullied child is bullied?

First to reiterate my last points:

• A child that is bullied might be singled out by a difference and the difference is real; however, it is not because of that difference that the bullying takes place. The difference is not a ‘wrongness’ within the child.  This is essential in understanding bullying and breaking the social habit.
• The bullied child is to blame for the bullying; however, we as society are all to blame for a child being bullied. We have the power as a bystander, parent, school official etc to step up and intervene.  We need to be good Samaritans to make our world a place we want to live in. 

How do we predict the child that will be bullied? 
This is a fair question.  If we know the answer to this we can to protect our kids.

However, this is hard to research, because how do you research a bullied child until after they have been bullied?  As a result of this contradictory many of the risk factors for potential bullying and the warning signs your child is being bullied are the same.

“The one thing that all kids who are bullied have in common is that they were targeted by a bully (or by a bunch of bullies).  Each one was singled out to be the object of scorn and thus the recipient of verbal, physical, or relational aggression, merely because he or she was different in some way.  Bullies need targets on whom to heap their aggression, and the differences identified as justifications for the attacks are spurious at best, contemptuous at worst.”  (p43, Coloroso).

It seems obvious to call the universal commonality for all bullied the bully; yet, the target for a bully can be anyone with any difference.  Contextually speaking, a difference that is valued in one school could be the difference that makes a child an object of bullying in another school. 

To drive my point home again:  It is a myth, that many children and adults use to rationalize bullying, that there is a set of specific and different character traits which creates a child who is will be targeted for bullying.  In fact “the myths about who is the target of bullying often are based on what a bullied kid looks and acts like after having been bullied repeatedly.’ (p46, Coloroso).

As an example, the U.S Department of Health & Human Services Administration for Children and Families presents the risk factors for bullied children as being “cautious, sensitive, and insecure, difficulty asserting themselves among peers, lack of self-confidence, physical weakness in boys”. All these risk factors, with the exception of physical weakness, are also the symptoms that bullying has already occurred.

Likewise, WebMD states that “Children who are bullied tend to be: Sensitive, Socially withdrawn (they might think poorly of themselves, or they may have a quiet temperament), anxious, passive (they often let other people be in control and do not stand up for themselves), more likely to be depressed.”

In the study Bullying and Victimization in Adolescence: Concurrent and Stable Roles and Psychological Health Symptoms conducted by Menesini, Modena and Tani at the University of Florence 537 children between the ages of 13 to 20 years were split into four participant groups based on survey questionnaires, bullies, bully/victim (participants who were both a bully and bullied), and uninvolved students. “The results show that bullies reported a higher level of externalizing problems, victims reported more internalizing symptoms, and bully/victims reported both a higher level of externalizing problems and more internalizing symptoms.” When the groups were further divided into groups called stable victims children that experience bullying from younger ages on versus late victims, victims that were bullied later, they “found that stable victims… reported higher degrees of anxiety, depression, and withdrawal than did the other groups. The authors focus their discussion on the role of chronic peer difficulties in relation to adolescents' symptoms and well-being.”(Menesini et al, 2009).

Thus, whether a child was a short term victim of bullying or a stable victim  (had bullying experiences for many years) both had varying degrees of internalizing symptoms of depression and anxiety.

What does this prove?  That after being bullied kids become introverted, withdrawn, depressed and anxious.  Well, no sh*t.


 So what actually makes a bullied kid:

SILENCE.  Are the bullied kids insecure?  Maybe.  But the number one reason bullied kids become a target is:  in the first interactions they did not stick up for themselves.  They made it too easy.  Sadly after that it is cycle that is hard to break, even if they do become vocal later.  It is not only their silence in the first interaction, but their refusal to tell parents and teachers due to shame and humiliation.  It is the silence of teachers and adults that witness and write the incident off or the silence of peers who are too afraid to say anything. 

"Once s/he has benn targeted by the bully, how a child responds will influence whether or not she moves from target to victim... if a kid succumbs to the attack - gives the bully what is demanded by showing distress, fear, or apathy; or fails to resond assertively (or aggressively) - s/he changes both emotionally and physically.  S/he becomes someone s/he was not before the attack; and all future attacks will be against this ever weakening target... How bystanders respond to both tht bully and the  target have tremendous inf;uence on how emboldened the bully becomes and/or how weak the target gets"  (Coloroso, 46). 

Psychological Study:
What can we do?  Scream.  Children need to make noise and tell the bully to leave them alone.  There are a couple reasons.

1. The bully is looking for an easy target.  Loud yelling gets them in trouble and is not easy.
2. Yelling alerts those around them that something is amiss.

There are several studies since the 1970s that support when a victim is clearly in danger bystanders are more likely to act than if the situation is ambiguous. "Bystanders help victims who scream and make their needs known between 75 to 100 percent of the time compared to helping silent victims between 25 to 40 percent of the time." (Social Psychology).

The study by Fischer et al at published in the European Journal of Social Psychology in April 2006 states;  "In situations with low potential danger, more help was given in the solitary condition than in the bystander condition. However, in situations with high potential danger, participants confronted with an emergency alone or in the presence of another bystander were similarly likely to help the victim." (Fischer, P. et al). 

http://web.ebscohost.com.excelsior.sdstate.edu/ehost/detail?sid=7549ea8c-7415-4cbb-a18f-89b3c37dede9%40sessionmgr14&vid=1&hid=19&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWhvc3QtbGl2ZQ%3d%3d#db=keh&AN=20065028

This is an extremely important concept, because of the bystander intervention and diffusion of responsibility.  These are two social psychology concepts that I will go over next time; however, if you want your child to avoid being bullied teach them to be very vocal and loud the first time.  It might keep the situation from escalating.  And again, as a bystander you are individually responsible for your actions or lack of action.

I will stop here tonight.  But I have tons more and I hope it it helps parents and enlightens.  Last quote on silence:

"It's not just targets of the bullying who keep mum.  Their peers do, too.  Even though most the students believe that bullying is wrong, witnesses rarely tell teachers and infrequently intervene on the behalf of the child who is the target of the abuse.  In fact, studies suggest that only between 10 to 20 percent of noninvolved students provide any real help when another student is victimised".  (Dragan).

Cognitive Dissonance and Bullying

When people think about the bullied child people assume that there is something 'wrong' with the child that is being bullied.  No one wants to admit to that.  It sounds backwards; it makes ‘us’ sound ‘bad’ and ‘we’ know that ‘we’ are not ‘bad’; therefore, logically, the bullied child must be ‘bad’ instead. 

 People want to, and need to, believe that the bullied child must be, at least in some small way, deserving of the peer abuse, because otherwise they are left with a social incongruity.  Who is ‘bad’?

The concept that a person, no more different or more deserving of ridicule than an average person, ‘us’ is suffering at the hands of the bully peer abuse and psychological trauma and the bystander, ‘we’, are doing nothing – makes no sense.  ‘We’ are better than that.  'We' have postive self image and positive social schema.

People need the belief that there is a difference of character within the victim which causes the abuse, because they are experiencing the unpleasantness of cognitive dissonance.

Cognitive dissonance "by far the most influential consistency theory, and possibly the most influential theory in the entire field of social psychology... (argues) that people are troubled by inconsistency between their thoughts, sentiments, and actions, and they will expend psychological energy to restore consistency. More specifically, (Leon) Festinger thought that an aversive emotional state- dissonance - is aroused whenever people experience an inconsistency between two cognitions. Because the cognition can be about their own behavior (for example, 'I just failed to live up to my vow'), the theory posits that people are troubled by inconsistency between their cognitions and their behavior as well. This unpleasant emotional state motivates behavior to restore consistency." (p310, Social Psychology).

In the social interaction of bullying:

• People see the event taking place, they become the bystander 
• They might feel an urge to stick up for the bullied child
• However, they fear retaliation
• The bully might be popular, well liked, and the bystander might be gaining status or risking status by helping the bullied child
• Aiding the bullied child takes effort
• There are many bystanders and a diffusion of responsibility, plus the side effect of social support for the bully through inaction
• The bystander has a few choices: watch, walk away or partake
• To deal with the incongruous action and keep it in line it with their self image and social schema the bystander...
• assigns the bullied child, the victim, a new role - someone deserving of the abuse, different.

What constitutes a difference?

Think back on the child you knew who was bullied growing up.  What made them different?  What made the bullying okay?

Examples:  That kid wears funny clothes, that kid breaks out, that kid has a prominent nose, that kid has a different gait, that kid has an unpopular hair style, that kid has less money,  or wears the same outfits, or is quiet, or is awkward, or is loud, or is heavier in weight, or has a different religion, or race, or sexual orientation, or mental disorder, or learning disability, or their parents are the same sex, or their parents are mixed race, or their dad is unemployed, or their mom is an alcoholic – what did it take for them to become the brunt of the school you went to?  Is that enough to abuse them?  Do you still think it is okay? 

Because, this seems 'wrong' and very lord of the flies.

I want to clarify right here and now the bullied child is not bullied because of any difference.  I will show that there is not a difference. The concept of the difference is an excuse to justify bullying.    It is what the bully latches on to, and the bully is actively looking for anything to latch on to.  Because no two people are the same the difference which is utilized by the bully could have easily been one that a bystander possessed.  There is only one reason that the bullied child is bullied and it is not a single difference listed above.  I will explain that one reason in my next post.

What actually makes bullying okay?

This is the question that society needs to address.  This might help our joint cognitive dissonance and our joint lack of social responsibility.  If you are unsure what is going on, who is ‘bad’.  Just ask yourself:  When is it okay to bully?    


Next Bullying Post - in my next post I will take the concept that the bullied child is different and prove that they not a difference.  The concept of the difference is an excuse to justify bullying.  There is only one reason that the bullied child is bullied and it is not a single difference listed above.  Those differences are just excuses.

Love Conquers All

Here is my daughter.  She is six and being harrassed at her school.  A little boy threatens to hurt her, tells her she is stupid, makes fun of her work in school.  There is NO EXCUSE.  There is no difference that justifies his action.  She works as hard on her homework.  She laughs when she is happy and cries when she is sad.  She does gymnastics and loves to sing along with the radio.  She is very artistic.  We read with her. I sang her to sleep when she was baby, sometimes I still do.  She loves cooking cupcakes with me.  She loves her pets.  She has Uncles and Aunts and Grandmas and Grandpas and friends.  She is loved.  And that love will see her through.

Taking a time out for Bullying

Cowardice asks the question: is it safe?

Expediency asks the question: is it politic?

Vanity asks the question: is it popular?

Conscience asks the question: is it right?  And there comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular - but one must take it because it is right.

~Martin Luther King Jr.

Defining moments happen early in life.  Decisions made in grade school, decisions that might seem small, can have life-long impacts and social repercussions in life and death terms.

Lately, I spend a lot of time worrying about my youngest daughter. She is experiencing, at the ripe age of 6, bullying.  As a society, we are not only aware of, but even expect, bullying in our schools.  As parents we hope it is never happens to our children.  When we see it happen, or hear about it, we are relieved when it is not our own kids suffering.

Bullying, as I hope to illustrate through a series of posts over the next few weeks with the help of excellent book resources like the bully, the bullied and the bystander by Barbara Coloroso, Social Psychology by Thomas Gilovich, Dacher Keltner and Richard E. Nisbett, Raising Happiness by Christine Carter, theBully Action Guide by Edward F Dragan and various social psychology academic articles and studies, is a problem that society, as a whole, is responsible for and society, as a whole, suffers from. 

◦Bullying is…

Bullying is characterized by three fundamental elements: intent to harm, an imbalance in power, and threat of further aggression.  Coloroso adds to the definition of bullying a fourth element, “bullying is a conscious, willful, and deliberate hostile activity intended to harm, induce fear through the threat of further aggression, and create terror.” (p13, Coloroso). (Emphasis added).

There are different types of bullying: verbal, physical and relational.  Verbal bullying is utilized by both boy and girl bullies.  Physical bullying is more often used by boys; and relational bullying is the cornerstone of girl bullying tactics.  No form of bullying is exclusive to either sex; both boys and girls can use any of the forms of bullying together, separately or move between them.  It is known that twenty-five percent of students in the national population are bullied. (Bullying Statistics 2010).

“The one thing we know for sure is that bullies are taught to bully”.  (p18, Coloroso).  Bullies, like their targets, are formed through society.  Bullies are not born to bully and they NEED the indifference of adults and peers to gain power.  “Bullying is not about anger.  It’s not even about conflict.  It’s about contempt – a powerful feeling of dislike toward somebody.”  (p 20, Coloroso).  Contempt originates from a sense of superiority, intolerance of differences and a desire to exclude.  Often these feelings and actions are a facade to cover a deeper pain or feeling of inadequacy.

“The basis at the foundation of this contempt are often deeply rooted attitudes found in our homes, schools, and our society.”  (p 21, Coloroso).  Prejudices like race, gender, religion, sexual orientation, economic status, mental abilities or physical attributes that are taught at home, and reinforced in the community, can lead to differences that create a potential target population or individual. 

Bullying is created by a neglectful society and it becomes a larger scale issue that affects us all. I will post on the affects later, but the most obvious affects are bullycide (suicide executed by teenagers to escape bullying) and school shootings.

I will break the posts into the bully (this post), the bullied, the bystander and then a series of relevant posts following this.  I hope to really cover the topic. 
Our News:
I have been researching bullying now for a few weeks while we struggle with addressing a bullying issue at my daughters school. This has been a frustrating experience and has caused my daughter a great deal of distress.

My husband and I are trying to learn in a rapid time frame exactly what bullying is and how we can help our daughter with what she is going through. Bullying touches more children than many want to realize and as I am reading I am learning that this happens with many adults too. It is worth thinking about not only your past, your current relationships, but also what we are teaching are children in our homes now, because as it turns out, what we are teaching in our homes will help make the difference on whether we have bullying in our schools at all.

Right now I am learning strategies to help my daughter help herself. I am trying to apply pressure to the school to eliminate the problem entirely. I can post on the different strategies we are using if they come in handy some day for others.

1.  We have been keeping in close contact with the teacher, principle, leadership head, counselor ect at the school to come up with interventions ect.

2. We have our daughter in friendship groups, supported by a counselor. These groups strengthen her social skills, friend forming strategies and help create a network at the school.

3.  We read books on the topic and try to discuss strategies she can use from the books.

4.  We have done role playing - I pretend to be the bully and have her yell stand up to me ect.

5.  And we are throwing a large party to help the kids get some 'street cred' and bolster their friendships.  Not to mention it will be great for us to meet some of the other parents.

I can not wait for the day to post... we did it!  She is no longer dealing with the bully... I feel like we are close.