I have been asked, in the past:  how can a parent help their child if they are being bullied?  

I read a lot of books and looked up plenty of articles with different advice and theories.  I have written on here about some of them, but I firmly believe to help your child you need to move them.  Move them to a different school, if possible a different neighborhood or city.  They need a clean slate.  Let them know it is not their fault, that sometimes people are cruel.  This advice is not "giving up".  The bully does not win.  It is giving a gift to your child.  They can still have a wonderful childhood, one in which they are accepted and free from stress.  They should not have to be a figurehead for justice, or a martyr for a cause, they deserve to just be a regular child at school.

This might not be doable for everyone, economics and other life logistics can complicate or even negate moving as a viable solution.   This is why this advice is hard to give out. And often, this advice is just not given at all.  The idea that a bullied kid is helpless to the system, doomed to the drudgery of everyday bullying, at the mercy of officials that might at best be apathetic and at worst just not care, is untrue.

To grasp the need for this advice imagine bullying as a bully giving your kid a highly contagious and fatal disease.  Everybody is now afraid to help, because they do not want to get sick.  No one is an objective bystander, because of their fear.  This is true of your child's peers, as well as the administration.  No one wants to admit it, but once the bully gets their target picked out, and the harassment is bad enough that the parent is informed, the rest the school has taken a step back from the target.  School administrators do not want the taint of a poor reputation or potential legal action and frankly some officials are lazy or stupid (watch the film Bully to see what I mean).  Avoid complications, avoid conflict and deny, deny, deny - this is the safest line of school defense. It is easier and better for the school if the problem is the bullied child and the parent or parents of that child.  The other students do not want to be next in line to be bullied - so they either ostracize your child or they join the bully.  Joining the bully seems incomprehensible; however, it is done in hopes the allegiance to the stronger party will keep them safe. Survival of the fittest.

Three years ago a little boy choose to bully my daughter.  Why?  Well, she was seated next to him the first few weeks of first grade.  There is no other reason outside of pure proximity.  What started as stealing her school supplies and poking her quickly escalated into detailed death threats.  She was followed around the playground as he described ripping her head off, among other disturbing imagery.  It is hard to blame the other first graders for taking a step back.  That is some scary shit for first grade; however, why the bully was not expelled is beyond me.  We pushed to have actions taken and were kept at arms length on any of the potential repercussions of his transgressions.  His behavior was as far outside the limitations of appropriate behavior as he could get, unless he actually tried to make good on his threats.  It was explained to me, almost as an excuse, he played violent video games.  WTF, who cares.  Expel the kid regardless of his video game time.  I guess I was under the strange impression school taught students, but I guess the buck stops at how their state tests scores are looking, how they treat each other is not relevant without money to back it.

What affect did this have on my daughter.  Well, what affect would this have on anyone?  She had nightmares and a hard time sleeping.  She had stomachaches and headaches as a result of stress.  Her self-esteem suffered: she worried about her intelligence and her looks.  Her academic progress stopped cold. In the first weeks of first grade she stopped learning.  We were given IEP services for her "depression", but only if we agreed the "depression" had started before she began school in their district - covering their asses in case I brought up her "depression" was directly related to the bullying.  We ended up repeating first grade, at my request.  She not only needed to catch up academically, but I hoped to gain some space from a peer group tainted against her.

Because no adults at the school told her it was not her fault, and they never stuck up for her by expelling the bully she internalized a sense of worthlessness which was reinforced by the other students taking a step back.

Bullying is a public form of humiliation and debasement.  Everyone who does not speak out against it approves it.   Not indirectly, not by accident, there is no oops, sorry.  The way to stop it has to be public intolerance.  Expelling bullies is a public and clear message from the administration to the school, students and the victim that bullying is unacceptable.  

Expulsion makes it clear who is actually in the wrong, in a society that looks for blame in the victim.  Bullies look for a physical trait they can expose as "dorky" (braces, glasses, teeth, tall, short, large, small - you name it), they look for a verbal quirkiness (stutter, phrasing) ,they look for a different skin color, sexual orientation, mental capabilities or even a blush or laugh that they can exploit.  Once the bully latches on to a target the rest of us see this trait for the first time, and secretly we nod to ourselves, oh, I can see why that kid is being bullied.  We reassure ourselves that we are different, we are okay.  Sadly, this is bullshit.  Please look in the mirror, listen to yourself talk there is something there that someone can exploit.  Don't kid yourself.  Bullying is the luck of the draw.  Which is why when I say there is noting different, no fault in the kid being bullied I mean it.  The problem is the bully.  The fault is with the bully.  The characteristic that is unacceptable to society is the bullies need to victimize others. 

It is time to validate the children who are bulled.  Who are worthwhile, who matter.  Punishing the bully with expulsion validates a child being bulled who is otherwise told by society they do not matter.  And my daughter matters.

We have moved.  In our new hometown my daughter is considered a valuable part of her community.  She is doing well in school, she is an artist, a friend, and is most importantly happy!  Today she is heading off to a classroom beach party and life is good.  I want to forget about that one year of bullying we experienced, but that would be doing a disservice to other children out there.  Not everyone can pack up and move from a bad situation.  So it is important as a human being to support children who are bullied, to make it clear it is not their fault, and to voice that the public school system needs to start taking responsibility for the behavior of their students.