Bullying: Steps with School

"We've got to dispel the myth that bullying is just a normal rite of passage, or an inevitable part of growing up. It's not," said President Obama. "We have an obligation to ensure that our schools are safe for all of our kids. Every single young person deserves the opportunity to learn and grow and achieve their potential, without having to worry about the constant threat of harassment." (ED.gov).

A friend of mine asked me recently about bullying: “With all the research you have done, what are the different roles people can play to help?”  She was referring to the parent, the school and the children involved.

I find this question both easy and hard to answer.  It is easy because a lot of the what-to-do’s are relatively standard and in the books I have read, on websites and presented in the media.  It is hard because once bullying has escalated the steps I will post are all part of damage control.  Stopping the bullying, holding the school accountable, getting the bullied child help.  Standard clean up.  Ideally, if I could answer this question the way I want I would say prevention with education.  Stop bullying before it starts.

Education is paramount in preventing bullying. Please always keep that in mind. To address any issue there needs to be a clear understanding of it.
For this post I will focus on what I know of addressing the school:

The School:  First thing is first.  Who is responsible for the bullying?  We all want to believe that the school is accountable for student’s safety.  The school should provide a safe environment for the children to learn.  The responsibility of the school tends to spark debate in gray areas of cyber bullying, bullycides and school shootings; however, one thing is clear, while student are on the school grounds the school is supposed to provide a safe environment.  Law suits come into play when the school/teachers/faculty are negligent in addressing safety concerns.  I.e. they are made aware of bullying through reports, but are not addressing the bullying or are neglecting to report and take action against incidents they witness.

• The first step:  Know your school’s policies that address bullying, harassment, assault etc.  I was able to find mine on the district website.  Ask for the disciplinary policies from the office.  

• The second step:  Report all bullying incidents to the principal.  I suggest doing this in writing (my man is a lawyer and this is what he suggests).  Utilize the language from policies when talking with administration, make it clear – ‘this’ incident violates ‘this’ policy.  Do not be abrasive in your language.  It is easy to be angry, exhausted and frustrated; however, be careful never to be confrontational.  Ideally the principal will want to work with you and you need to want to work with them too.  In all accounts of bullying include relevant details, be specific, of the bullying incident itself.  Do not clutter the account with irrelevant information.  Report every single incident you hear about.  Keep these reports and the responses.    

In the book The Bullying Action Guide: How to help your child and get your school to listen Edward F. Dragan states, “Not reporting bullying to the school puts the burden of dealing with it on the child.  That responsibility belongs with the school.”

 He illustrates a constructive way to write a follow up letter to a principal (one I wish I had utilized):


Dear Principal XXX,

I want to compliment you on your school’s strong anti-bullying policy.  I spoke with Mr. ABC recently about the policy and a problem with my daughter was having with two students.  According to Mr. ABC, these two students violated the school policy.  He indicated to me that he would speak with the students and their parents, and that if the bullying occurred again, they would be disciplined.  I appreciated all his attention to this problem, because my daughter was negatively affected by this bullying.

 That being said, however, I am afraid that the bullying is still continuing, even though I am sure Mr. ABC followed through. 

At this time, I am seeking your intervention to ensure that the district policy is followed.  I would appreciate it if you would check with Mr ABC to see what was actually done to stop the bullying, because it is still occurring.

If you would  please check in and give me a call 123-4567 when you have a chance, I would greatly appreciate it.


Sincerely,

Your Name

• Third step:  Ask for a meeting to discuss a course of action.  Again getting an action plan written out is imperative.  The school will address the issues at hand in X, Y and Z ways.

• Fourth step:  Is follow up.  Write a thank you stating what was said in the meeting and showing gratitude that the actions will be followed up on.

 
Ideally, the bullying is dealt with.  Problems arise when anywhere along these steps the school becomes uncommunicative and negligent.  This is when legal action is required and consulting with an attorney is more important than reading Internet blogs or books.  Bullying needs to be taken seriously by everyone.  Do not assume ever that the responsibility rests with the bullied child.  They never need to toughen up and often once the bullying has started it is completely outside of their individual control.

This is a very helpful link that addresses my friends question:
Bullying Frequently Asked Questions from the Department of Education

No matter what - first step is the school and getting the bullying under control!  Get a paper trail.  Keep good records.  Keep daily journals of incidents.  If you make phone calls take names, dates and times. Keep a journal of your child's health - they can get stomach aches and head aches and emotional well being. 

It is also extremely important to keep open lines of nonjudgmental communication with your child to know what is happening.  I will write a post on this.  But in the mean time the Bullying Frequently Asked Questions from the Department of Education addresses what parents can do.  Both books I advocate are The bully, the bullied and the bystander and The Bullying Action Guide address how to talk to your children.  Know that more damage can be done and communication lines with your child can break down if you are not careful in how you talk to them.  Do consult resources on how to talk with your child before trying to get details out of them.