the Bullied Child and Silence

Bullies Never Win

I got this book for my youngest daughter.  We are doing reading at home to deal with the difficulties she is having in school with a bully.  I recommend this book for young elementary school age children.  I was nervous she might be too anxious to sit down with me and read it, but instead this book helped us to created a dialogue.  Many children who are bullied suffer in silence.  They stop telling their parents, teachers and counselors about the bullying.  It is fundamental to keep talk going in a safe and secure way.  Letting her know it is not her fault is paramount.  I was able to talk to her about some of the concepts I am learning and, most importantly, listen to her concerns as we walked through the pages of the book together.

I have gotten emails from friends and family accounting their experiences with bullying. And comments on what people think about why they were bullied and who they think is to blame for the bullying. I want to thank everyone for entrusting me with your stories.  Many of us suffered with bullying and we look for a way to understand our experiences.

My Post Today:  Why the bullied child is bullied?

First to reiterate my last points:

• A child that is bullied might be singled out by a difference and the difference is real; however, it is not because of that difference that the bullying takes place. The difference is not a ‘wrongness’ within the child.  This is essential in understanding bullying and breaking the social habit.
• The bullied child is to blame for the bullying; however, we as society are all to blame for a child being bullied. We have the power as a bystander, parent, school official etc to step up and intervene.  We need to be good Samaritans to make our world a place we want to live in. 

How do we predict the child that will be bullied? 
This is a fair question.  If we know the answer to this we can to protect our kids.

However, this is hard to research, because how do you research a bullied child until after they have been bullied?  As a result of this contradictory many of the risk factors for potential bullying and the warning signs your child is being bullied are the same.

“The one thing that all kids who are bullied have in common is that they were targeted by a bully (or by a bunch of bullies).  Each one was singled out to be the object of scorn and thus the recipient of verbal, physical, or relational aggression, merely because he or she was different in some way.  Bullies need targets on whom to heap their aggression, and the differences identified as justifications for the attacks are spurious at best, contemptuous at worst.”  (p43, Coloroso).

It seems obvious to call the universal commonality for all bullied the bully; yet, the target for a bully can be anyone with any difference.  Contextually speaking, a difference that is valued in one school could be the difference that makes a child an object of bullying in another school. 

To drive my point home again:  It is a myth, that many children and adults use to rationalize bullying, that there is a set of specific and different character traits which creates a child who is will be targeted for bullying.  In fact “the myths about who is the target of bullying often are based on what a bullied kid looks and acts like after having been bullied repeatedly.’ (p46, Coloroso).

As an example, the U.S Department of Health & Human Services Administration for Children and Families presents the risk factors for bullied children as being “cautious, sensitive, and insecure, difficulty asserting themselves among peers, lack of self-confidence, physical weakness in boys”. All these risk factors, with the exception of physical weakness, are also the symptoms that bullying has already occurred.

Likewise, WebMD states that “Children who are bullied tend to be: Sensitive, Socially withdrawn (they might think poorly of themselves, or they may have a quiet temperament), anxious, passive (they often let other people be in control and do not stand up for themselves), more likely to be depressed.”

In the study Bullying and Victimization in Adolescence: Concurrent and Stable Roles and Psychological Health Symptoms conducted by Menesini, Modena and Tani at the University of Florence 537 children between the ages of 13 to 20 years were split into four participant groups based on survey questionnaires, bullies, bully/victim (participants who were both a bully and bullied), and uninvolved students. “The results show that bullies reported a higher level of externalizing problems, victims reported more internalizing symptoms, and bully/victims reported both a higher level of externalizing problems and more internalizing symptoms.” When the groups were further divided into groups called stable victims children that experience bullying from younger ages on versus late victims, victims that were bullied later, they “found that stable victims… reported higher degrees of anxiety, depression, and withdrawal than did the other groups. The authors focus their discussion on the role of chronic peer difficulties in relation to adolescents' symptoms and well-being.”(Menesini et al, 2009).

Thus, whether a child was a short term victim of bullying or a stable victim  (had bullying experiences for many years) both had varying degrees of internalizing symptoms of depression and anxiety.

What does this prove?  That after being bullied kids become introverted, withdrawn, depressed and anxious.  Well, no sh*t.


 So what actually makes a bullied kid:

SILENCE.  Are the bullied kids insecure?  Maybe.  But the number one reason bullied kids become a target is:  in the first interactions they did not stick up for themselves.  They made it too easy.  Sadly after that it is cycle that is hard to break, even if they do become vocal later.  It is not only their silence in the first interaction, but their refusal to tell parents and teachers due to shame and humiliation.  It is the silence of teachers and adults that witness and write the incident off or the silence of peers who are too afraid to say anything. 

"Once s/he has benn targeted by the bully, how a child responds will influence whether or not she moves from target to victim... if a kid succumbs to the attack - gives the bully what is demanded by showing distress, fear, or apathy; or fails to resond assertively (or aggressively) - s/he changes both emotionally and physically.  S/he becomes someone s/he was not before the attack; and all future attacks will be against this ever weakening target... How bystanders respond to both tht bully and the  target have tremendous inf;uence on how emboldened the bully becomes and/or how weak the target gets"  (Coloroso, 46). 

Psychological Study:
What can we do?  Scream.  Children need to make noise and tell the bully to leave them alone.  There are a couple reasons.

1. The bully is looking for an easy target.  Loud yelling gets them in trouble and is not easy.
2. Yelling alerts those around them that something is amiss.

There are several studies since the 1970s that support when a victim is clearly in danger bystanders are more likely to act than if the situation is ambiguous. "Bystanders help victims who scream and make their needs known between 75 to 100 percent of the time compared to helping silent victims between 25 to 40 percent of the time." (Social Psychology).

The study by Fischer et al at published in the European Journal of Social Psychology in April 2006 states;  "In situations with low potential danger, more help was given in the solitary condition than in the bystander condition. However, in situations with high potential danger, participants confronted with an emergency alone or in the presence of another bystander were similarly likely to help the victim." (Fischer, P. et al). 

http://web.ebscohost.com.excelsior.sdstate.edu/ehost/detail?sid=7549ea8c-7415-4cbb-a18f-89b3c37dede9%40sessionmgr14&vid=1&hid=19&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWhvc3QtbGl2ZQ%3d%3d#db=keh&AN=20065028

This is an extremely important concept, because of the bystander intervention and diffusion of responsibility.  These are two social psychology concepts that I will go over next time; however, if you want your child to avoid being bullied teach them to be very vocal and loud the first time.  It might keep the situation from escalating.  And again, as a bystander you are individually responsible for your actions or lack of action.

I will stop here tonight.  But I have tons more and I hope it it helps parents and enlightens.  Last quote on silence:

"It's not just targets of the bullying who keep mum.  Their peers do, too.  Even though most the students believe that bullying is wrong, witnesses rarely tell teachers and infrequently intervene on the behalf of the child who is the target of the abuse.  In fact, studies suggest that only between 10 to 20 percent of noninvolved students provide any real help when another student is victimised".  (Dragan).