the Bullied Child and Silence

Bullies Never Win

I got this book for my youngest daughter.  We are doing reading at home to deal with the difficulties she is having in school with a bully.  I recommend this book for young elementary school age children.  I was nervous she might be too anxious to sit down with me and read it, but instead this book helped us to created a dialogue.  Many children who are bullied suffer in silence.  They stop telling their parents, teachers and counselors about the bullying.  It is fundamental to keep talk going in a safe and secure way.  Letting her know it is not her fault is paramount.  I was able to talk to her about some of the concepts I am learning and, most importantly, listen to her concerns as we walked through the pages of the book together.

I have gotten emails from friends and family accounting their experiences with bullying. And comments on what people think about why they were bullied and who they think is to blame for the bullying. I want to thank everyone for entrusting me with your stories.  Many of us suffered with bullying and we look for a way to understand our experiences.

My Post Today:  Why the bullied child is bullied?

First to reiterate my last points:

• A child that is bullied might be singled out by a difference and the difference is real; however, it is not because of that difference that the bullying takes place. The difference is not a ‘wrongness’ within the child.  This is essential in understanding bullying and breaking the social habit.
• The bullied child is to blame for the bullying; however, we as society are all to blame for a child being bullied. We have the power as a bystander, parent, school official etc to step up and intervene.  We need to be good Samaritans to make our world a place we want to live in. 

How do we predict the child that will be bullied? 
This is a fair question.  If we know the answer to this we can to protect our kids.

However, this is hard to research, because how do you research a bullied child until after they have been bullied?  As a result of this contradictory many of the risk factors for potential bullying and the warning signs your child is being bullied are the same.

“The one thing that all kids who are bullied have in common is that they were targeted by a bully (or by a bunch of bullies).  Each one was singled out to be the object of scorn and thus the recipient of verbal, physical, or relational aggression, merely because he or she was different in some way.  Bullies need targets on whom to heap their aggression, and the differences identified as justifications for the attacks are spurious at best, contemptuous at worst.”  (p43, Coloroso).

It seems obvious to call the universal commonality for all bullied the bully; yet, the target for a bully can be anyone with any difference.  Contextually speaking, a difference that is valued in one school could be the difference that makes a child an object of bullying in another school. 

To drive my point home again:  It is a myth, that many children and adults use to rationalize bullying, that there is a set of specific and different character traits which creates a child who is will be targeted for bullying.  In fact “the myths about who is the target of bullying often are based on what a bullied kid looks and acts like after having been bullied repeatedly.’ (p46, Coloroso).

As an example, the U.S Department of Health & Human Services Administration for Children and Families presents the risk factors for bullied children as being “cautious, sensitive, and insecure, difficulty asserting themselves among peers, lack of self-confidence, physical weakness in boys”. All these risk factors, with the exception of physical weakness, are also the symptoms that bullying has already occurred.

Likewise, WebMD states that “Children who are bullied tend to be: Sensitive, Socially withdrawn (they might think poorly of themselves, or they may have a quiet temperament), anxious, passive (they often let other people be in control and do not stand up for themselves), more likely to be depressed.”

In the study Bullying and Victimization in Adolescence: Concurrent and Stable Roles and Psychological Health Symptoms conducted by Menesini, Modena and Tani at the University of Florence 537 children between the ages of 13 to 20 years were split into four participant groups based on survey questionnaires, bullies, bully/victim (participants who were both a bully and bullied), and uninvolved students. “The results show that bullies reported a higher level of externalizing problems, victims reported more internalizing symptoms, and bully/victims reported both a higher level of externalizing problems and more internalizing symptoms.” When the groups were further divided into groups called stable victims children that experience bullying from younger ages on versus late victims, victims that were bullied later, they “found that stable victims… reported higher degrees of anxiety, depression, and withdrawal than did the other groups. The authors focus their discussion on the role of chronic peer difficulties in relation to adolescents' symptoms and well-being.”(Menesini et al, 2009).

Thus, whether a child was a short term victim of bullying or a stable victim  (had bullying experiences for many years) both had varying degrees of internalizing symptoms of depression and anxiety.

What does this prove?  That after being bullied kids become introverted, withdrawn, depressed and anxious.  Well, no sh*t.


 So what actually makes a bullied kid:

SILENCE.  Are the bullied kids insecure?  Maybe.  But the number one reason bullied kids become a target is:  in the first interactions they did not stick up for themselves.  They made it too easy.  Sadly after that it is cycle that is hard to break, even if they do become vocal later.  It is not only their silence in the first interaction, but their refusal to tell parents and teachers due to shame and humiliation.  It is the silence of teachers and adults that witness and write the incident off or the silence of peers who are too afraid to say anything. 

"Once s/he has benn targeted by the bully, how a child responds will influence whether or not she moves from target to victim... if a kid succumbs to the attack - gives the bully what is demanded by showing distress, fear, or apathy; or fails to resond assertively (or aggressively) - s/he changes both emotionally and physically.  S/he becomes someone s/he was not before the attack; and all future attacks will be against this ever weakening target... How bystanders respond to both tht bully and the  target have tremendous inf;uence on how emboldened the bully becomes and/or how weak the target gets"  (Coloroso, 46). 

Psychological Study:
What can we do?  Scream.  Children need to make noise and tell the bully to leave them alone.  There are a couple reasons.

1. The bully is looking for an easy target.  Loud yelling gets them in trouble and is not easy.
2. Yelling alerts those around them that something is amiss.

There are several studies since the 1970s that support when a victim is clearly in danger bystanders are more likely to act than if the situation is ambiguous. "Bystanders help victims who scream and make their needs known between 75 to 100 percent of the time compared to helping silent victims between 25 to 40 percent of the time." (Social Psychology).

The study by Fischer et al at published in the European Journal of Social Psychology in April 2006 states;  "In situations with low potential danger, more help was given in the solitary condition than in the bystander condition. However, in situations with high potential danger, participants confronted with an emergency alone or in the presence of another bystander were similarly likely to help the victim." (Fischer, P. et al). 

http://web.ebscohost.com.excelsior.sdstate.edu/ehost/detail?sid=7549ea8c-7415-4cbb-a18f-89b3c37dede9%40sessionmgr14&vid=1&hid=19&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWhvc3QtbGl2ZQ%3d%3d#db=keh&AN=20065028

This is an extremely important concept, because of the bystander intervention and diffusion of responsibility.  These are two social psychology concepts that I will go over next time; however, if you want your child to avoid being bullied teach them to be very vocal and loud the first time.  It might keep the situation from escalating.  And again, as a bystander you are individually responsible for your actions or lack of action.

I will stop here tonight.  But I have tons more and I hope it it helps parents and enlightens.  Last quote on silence:

"It's not just targets of the bullying who keep mum.  Their peers do, too.  Even though most the students believe that bullying is wrong, witnesses rarely tell teachers and infrequently intervene on the behalf of the child who is the target of the abuse.  In fact, studies suggest that only between 10 to 20 percent of noninvolved students provide any real help when another student is victimised".  (Dragan).

Cognitive Dissonance and Bullying

When people think about the bullied child people assume that there is something 'wrong' with the child that is being bullied.  No one wants to admit to that.  It sounds backwards; it makes ‘us’ sound ‘bad’ and ‘we’ know that ‘we’ are not ‘bad’; therefore, logically, the bullied child must be ‘bad’ instead. 

 People want to, and need to, believe that the bullied child must be, at least in some small way, deserving of the peer abuse, because otherwise they are left with a social incongruity.  Who is ‘bad’?

The concept that a person, no more different or more deserving of ridicule than an average person, ‘us’ is suffering at the hands of the bully peer abuse and psychological trauma and the bystander, ‘we’, are doing nothing – makes no sense.  ‘We’ are better than that.  'We' have postive self image and positive social schema.

People need the belief that there is a difference of character within the victim which causes the abuse, because they are experiencing the unpleasantness of cognitive dissonance.

Cognitive dissonance "by far the most influential consistency theory, and possibly the most influential theory in the entire field of social psychology... (argues) that people are troubled by inconsistency between their thoughts, sentiments, and actions, and they will expend psychological energy to restore consistency. More specifically, (Leon) Festinger thought that an aversive emotional state- dissonance - is aroused whenever people experience an inconsistency between two cognitions. Because the cognition can be about their own behavior (for example, 'I just failed to live up to my vow'), the theory posits that people are troubled by inconsistency between their cognitions and their behavior as well. This unpleasant emotional state motivates behavior to restore consistency." (p310, Social Psychology).

In the social interaction of bullying:

• People see the event taking place, they become the bystander 
• They might feel an urge to stick up for the bullied child
• However, they fear retaliation
• The bully might be popular, well liked, and the bystander might be gaining status or risking status by helping the bullied child
• Aiding the bullied child takes effort
• There are many bystanders and a diffusion of responsibility, plus the side effect of social support for the bully through inaction
• The bystander has a few choices: watch, walk away or partake
• To deal with the incongruous action and keep it in line it with their self image and social schema the bystander...
• assigns the bullied child, the victim, a new role - someone deserving of the abuse, different.

What constitutes a difference?

Think back on the child you knew who was bullied growing up.  What made them different?  What made the bullying okay?

Examples:  That kid wears funny clothes, that kid breaks out, that kid has a prominent nose, that kid has a different gait, that kid has an unpopular hair style, that kid has less money,  or wears the same outfits, or is quiet, or is awkward, or is loud, or is heavier in weight, or has a different religion, or race, or sexual orientation, or mental disorder, or learning disability, or their parents are the same sex, or their parents are mixed race, or their dad is unemployed, or their mom is an alcoholic – what did it take for them to become the brunt of the school you went to?  Is that enough to abuse them?  Do you still think it is okay? 

Because, this seems 'wrong' and very lord of the flies.

I want to clarify right here and now the bullied child is not bullied because of any difference.  I will show that there is not a difference. The concept of the difference is an excuse to justify bullying.    It is what the bully latches on to, and the bully is actively looking for anything to latch on to.  Because no two people are the same the difference which is utilized by the bully could have easily been one that a bystander possessed.  There is only one reason that the bullied child is bullied and it is not a single difference listed above.  I will explain that one reason in my next post.

What actually makes bullying okay?

This is the question that society needs to address.  This might help our joint cognitive dissonance and our joint lack of social responsibility.  If you are unsure what is going on, who is ‘bad’.  Just ask yourself:  When is it okay to bully?    


Next Bullying Post - in my next post I will take the concept that the bullied child is different and prove that they not a difference.  The concept of the difference is an excuse to justify bullying.  There is only one reason that the bullied child is bullied and it is not a single difference listed above.  Those differences are just excuses.

Love Conquers All

Here is my daughter.  She is six and being harrassed at her school.  A little boy threatens to hurt her, tells her she is stupid, makes fun of her work in school.  There is NO EXCUSE.  There is no difference that justifies his action.  She works as hard on her homework.  She laughs when she is happy and cries when she is sad.  She does gymnastics and loves to sing along with the radio.  She is very artistic.  We read with her. I sang her to sleep when she was baby, sometimes I still do.  She loves cooking cupcakes with me.  She loves her pets.  She has Uncles and Aunts and Grandmas and Grandpas and friends.  She is loved.  And that love will see her through.

Taking a time out for Bullying

Cowardice asks the question: is it safe?

Expediency asks the question: is it politic?

Vanity asks the question: is it popular?

Conscience asks the question: is it right?  And there comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular - but one must take it because it is right.

~Martin Luther King Jr.

Defining moments happen early in life.  Decisions made in grade school, decisions that might seem small, can have life-long impacts and social repercussions in life and death terms.

Lately, I spend a lot of time worrying about my youngest daughter. She is experiencing, at the ripe age of 6, bullying.  As a society, we are not only aware of, but even expect, bullying in our schools.  As parents we hope it is never happens to our children.  When we see it happen, or hear about it, we are relieved when it is not our own kids suffering.

Bullying, as I hope to illustrate through a series of posts over the next few weeks with the help of excellent book resources like the bully, the bullied and the bystander by Barbara Coloroso, Social Psychology by Thomas Gilovich, Dacher Keltner and Richard E. Nisbett, Raising Happiness by Christine Carter, theBully Action Guide by Edward F Dragan and various social psychology academic articles and studies, is a problem that society, as a whole, is responsible for and society, as a whole, suffers from. 

◦Bullying is…

Bullying is characterized by three fundamental elements: intent to harm, an imbalance in power, and threat of further aggression.  Coloroso adds to the definition of bullying a fourth element, “bullying is a conscious, willful, and deliberate hostile activity intended to harm, induce fear through the threat of further aggression, and create terror.” (p13, Coloroso). (Emphasis added).

There are different types of bullying: verbal, physical and relational.  Verbal bullying is utilized by both boy and girl bullies.  Physical bullying is more often used by boys; and relational bullying is the cornerstone of girl bullying tactics.  No form of bullying is exclusive to either sex; both boys and girls can use any of the forms of bullying together, separately or move between them.  It is known that twenty-five percent of students in the national population are bullied. (Bullying Statistics 2010).

“The one thing we know for sure is that bullies are taught to bully”.  (p18, Coloroso).  Bullies, like their targets, are formed through society.  Bullies are not born to bully and they NEED the indifference of adults and peers to gain power.  “Bullying is not about anger.  It’s not even about conflict.  It’s about contempt – a powerful feeling of dislike toward somebody.”  (p 20, Coloroso).  Contempt originates from a sense of superiority, intolerance of differences and a desire to exclude.  Often these feelings and actions are a facade to cover a deeper pain or feeling of inadequacy.

“The basis at the foundation of this contempt are often deeply rooted attitudes found in our homes, schools, and our society.”  (p 21, Coloroso).  Prejudices like race, gender, religion, sexual orientation, economic status, mental abilities or physical attributes that are taught at home, and reinforced in the community, can lead to differences that create a potential target population or individual. 

Bullying is created by a neglectful society and it becomes a larger scale issue that affects us all. I will post on the affects later, but the most obvious affects are bullycide (suicide executed by teenagers to escape bullying) and school shootings.

I will break the posts into the bully (this post), the bullied, the bystander and then a series of relevant posts following this.  I hope to really cover the topic. 
Our News:
I have been researching bullying now for a few weeks while we struggle with addressing a bullying issue at my daughters school. This has been a frustrating experience and has caused my daughter a great deal of distress.

My husband and I are trying to learn in a rapid time frame exactly what bullying is and how we can help our daughter with what she is going through. Bullying touches more children than many want to realize and as I am reading I am learning that this happens with many adults too. It is worth thinking about not only your past, your current relationships, but also what we are teaching are children in our homes now, because as it turns out, what we are teaching in our homes will help make the difference on whether we have bullying in our schools at all.

Right now I am learning strategies to help my daughter help herself. I am trying to apply pressure to the school to eliminate the problem entirely. I can post on the different strategies we are using if they come in handy some day for others.

1.  We have been keeping in close contact with the teacher, principle, leadership head, counselor ect at the school to come up with interventions ect.

2. We have our daughter in friendship groups, supported by a counselor. These groups strengthen her social skills, friend forming strategies and help create a network at the school.

3.  We read books on the topic and try to discuss strategies she can use from the books.

4.  We have done role playing - I pretend to be the bully and have her yell stand up to me ect.

5.  And we are throwing a large party to help the kids get some 'street cred' and bolster their friendships.  Not to mention it will be great for us to meet some of the other parents.

I can not wait for the day to post... we did it!  She is no longer dealing with the bully... I feel like we are close.

Sunday Banana Cupcakes

*Ingredients:
3 Ripe Bananas
2 cups GF King Arthur Flour gluten free multi-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
3/4 teaspoons salt
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter
3/4 cups sugar, granulated cane
3 large eggs room temperature cup, separated
1/2 cup sour cream (gluten free)
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract (gluten free)


Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 400 F, place unpeeled bananas in oven.  15 minutes later take bananas out to cool and set oven to 350 F.
2. In one bowl whisk together gluten free flour, baking soda, baking powder and salt.  Then place this bowl aside.
3. In a mixer cream butter and sugar together.  Add in 3 egg yolks, roasted and peeled bananas.  Add flour in three parts alternating with sour cream and beat in vanilla. 
4. In a separate bowl with a hand mixer whisk the 3 egg white till they have a good peak.
5. Fold egg whites into batter.  Scoop batter into lined cupcake sheets.
6. Cook cupcakes for 30 minutes.

Frosting with Honey and Cinnamon
*Ingredients:

• 2 1/2 cups powdered sugar
• 1 cup unsalted butter, room temperature
• 1 Teaspoon honey
• Pinch of cinnamon

Directions:

1. Mix butter and sugar together in electric mixer.
2. Add in honey and cinnamon.
3. Enjoy frosting!

*Always check ingredients to make sure they are gluten free.  Recipe adjusted for gluten free eating from Martha Stewart's Cupcake book.

Perception requires tricks

I finally bought full length mirror. I did this because at 30 years old I decided that standing on a chair in front of my bathroom vanity mirror to figure out if my pants looked okay might be a bit ridiculous. Also, when I stood on this chair, in front of my vanity, most my shirt and head were cut off. So that no matter what angle I stood at I could never quite tell if my whole outfit worked together.

In early college, hell, even into my late twenties this seemed acceptable; however, I feel after a decade of not knowing what my outfits look like as a whole piece it was time to spend a couple bucks to upgrade. And I did...

I bought my full length mirror about three months ago at target for five dollars. I felt this was a real steal and was sad to realize it was cheap, because it was meant for college dormitory kids. I guess since I never stayed in the dorms I missed out on the existence of cheap mirrors – which meant I spent a decade always wondering what I look like pointlessly.

 There are several things I have learned since having this mirror:

1. If I stand close enough to see my whole outfit my head still gets cut off.
2. If I stand far enough away to see my whole outfit including my head I can not quite make out the details of the outfit; however, I get a good idea. 
3. I might need better lighting in my bedroom.  I figure I have a decade before that will matter enough to fix.
4. Lastly, and this I have found to be most important, if I stand the mirror itself up too straight my hips get wide and my body gets short. And if I lean the mirror diagonally I get taller than I ever imagined and my hips shrink. Obviously there are variations between.

On days when I forget to adjust my mirror and it stands to straight I feel depressed and even if I was just feeling powerful and happy.

Yet on days when the mirror is adjusted 'correctly' and leaning against the wall I feel great. It does not matter if someone reminded me that I can not write an email to save my life. It does not matter if I am reminded that if someone pisses me off I really over due the retribution, because I do  so divinely.

The moral of the story is perception is the entire battle, not half. Adjust your perception appropriately. This does not have to be about weight (as there is a backlash on facebook against mermaids and whales that I am trying desperately to understand).  Please feel free to apply it to whatever aspect of your perception you wish to adjust.

GF Devil's Food Cupcakes

Counting Down to Halloween and making Devil's Food Cupcakes.

*Ingredients:

• 3/4 cup unsweetened - Hershey's Cocoa Natural Unsweetened
• 3/4 cup hot water
• 3 cups GF King Arthur Flour gluten free multi-purpose flour
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1 teaspoon baking powder
• 1 1/4 teaspoons coarse salt
• 1 1/2 cup (3 stick) unsalted butter
• 2 1/4 cups sugar, granulated cane
• 4 large eggs room temperature cup
• 1 tablespoon and 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract (gluten free)
• 1 cup sour cream, room temperature (gluten free)

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2. In one bowl together gluten free flour, baking soda, baking powder and place to the side for later use.
3. Melt butter in a sauce pan on med-low heat stir in all sugar slowly. Remove from heat, and pour into mixing bowl. Stir on medium speed for 4 to 5 minutes.
4. Melt cocoa into hot water in sauce pan until well combined, place in bowl to side.
5. In the mixer with the butter and sugar mixture add one egg in at a time, then add in vanilla and the cocoa mixture. Add in gluten free flour mixture in many parts, alternating with the sour cream cup.
6. Once all ingredients well combined in mixer place in cupcake tin filling to a little over half way, but not 3/4 full. Lastly, cook for 30 - 35 minutes, rotating at 20 minutes.

Rich Chocolate Frosting (directly from Martha Stewart's cupcake book)
*Ingredients:

• 6 ounces semi sweet chocolate (gluten free)
• 2/3 cup heavy cream
• 1 tablespoon light corn syrup (gluten free)

Directions:

1. Get heavy cream and corn syrup to a simmer. 
2. Then pour over finely chopped semi sweet GF chocolate.
3. Give a minute for chocolate to start melting.
4. Stir starting in middle and working out.
5. Frost cupcakes immediately.
6. Place in frosted cupcakes into refrigerator to firm frosting up.

Ramona enjoying the chocolate!

Thank you to Martha Stewart for the Cupcake book in which this recipe is based off of. This recipe was adjusted for gluten free & nut free eating!  Gluten free cupcakes cook slighter slower than gluten cupcakes so 30-35 minutes is in place of 20 minutes.

*Always use common sense, check each ingredient to make sure it is in fact gluten free.

Secrets?

My kids often quote me.  Usually this works against me; however, every now and then my daughters quote me in a way that I can feel good about.  Today Beezus proclaimed in confidence “my mom says that a healthy relationship is one that everyone knows about.  It is not supposed to be a secret".  She was talking to our next door neighbor’s son.

Quick recap of yesterday:

Beezus came in from playing with the neighbors yesterday with a ‘secret’.  She declared the existence of this secret with a glow.  She informed her father and me that this ‘secret’ was something she could not tell us and went on to emphasize that she could NOT EVEN tell her teacher at school.  She had been sworn to secrecy by our next door neighbor’s son, Henry*.

Unfortunately for Beezus her build up was too tempting, before my man and I could even start to come up with an interrogation strategy, her little sister came to our rescue,  “Henry asked Beezus to be his girlfriend.”  Ramona looked very proud to have the information which was, in the moment, critical.   Beezus might not have been as... happy.

My man and I had very different reactions.  I was ready to lay down the ground work for rules to dating and he was more interested in forbidding dating.  Naturally Beezus was immediately furious with us.  She yelled that there was no way we could stop her and began a walk, I assume we will witness a lot in her life, dramatically towards her room.

Eventually Beezus and her dad calmed down enough that I could talk some sense into both of them.  I told her dad not to talk, that seems easiest, since ‘sense’ is sometimes lost on him.  Then I told Beezus it was wonderful that Henry wants to be her boyfriend.  Her glow returned and she radiated pure happiness. She said to me with a blush and a grin “he told me I am cute mom.”  I felt great to be let in on such an important and happy memory of hers.  In response I said something to this effect…

 “That is one of the best feelings in the whole world.  I hope you hear that a lot in your life.  But, you should never be kept a secret.  If this little boy really likes you then he will not keep you a secret.  And when you are older if any man wants to keep you a secret you should turn and walk away.  Date someone else.  Whoever wants to be your boyfriend should be proud of you.  A healthy relationship is one that everyone knows about.”  To make sure she understood I drove the point home harder, “imagine if your dad told people he did not have a wife.  Wouldn’t that be weird?  A boy who is honest and really cares about you the right way will never want to keep you from the rest of his life.”

I did not think Beezus heard me.  I find I can never tell when she is paying any attention to what I am saying.  So, when I heard her telling this little boy this afternoon in our entryway that I knew about their 'status' and that a healthy relationship was not a secret, I felt a lot of mommy pride. I managed to, with some luck, teach her a rule to dating that so many women need to learn and so many do not!   Respect yourself and a good man will too!

Sadly,  I did not stop at the great lesson last night.  I decided I may as well get it all out there, “also, no kissing, (my man interjected with ‘no touching’).  And now that I know you are dating, you are no longer allowed to be alone with him without supervision AND if I ever catch you sneaking out any windows at night I will taser your behind.”  (The sneaking out I figure will happen in her teens, but I may as well warn her now.)

 My kids eyes got wide and my youngest daughter gave me a lecture on how that joke was not ok.  I felt horrible.  I forget that my sense of humor does not exist (according to my man).  I apologized to my little ladies and then realize they would most likely quote me tomorrow at school.  ;-)

*Henry is obviously a made up name for the boy.  I decided to continue with the use of names from the Ramona and Beezus collection.  Still well suited for our household.