The little man's Xmas list

If you want something very, very badly, let it go free.  If it comes back to you, it’s yours forever.  If it doesn’t, it was never yours to begin with. - Jesse Lair  (Quote Investigator)

I tried to explain the above saying to my 15 month old son today.  Of course it is a bit beyond him, but why not start early?  Or, in our case, when it seems extremely necessary.  My little man is infatuated with our mechanical vacuum, our Roomba, aka Marble (the girls named it, plus added a label in case we forget).  It could be love for our little man.  A pet that does not mind toys being placed on it's back or being followed around the room and poked.  A pet that will stop when he pushes the button and go when he pushes the same button again.  For our little man this has become a smothering sort of love: the type of love where he wants to sit on it and ride it around the room, as well as, a draining sort of love, the type of love where when Marble needs rest the little man wants it to move, so he pokes it, pushes it and screams at it. 

Our little man did not care for my explanation to let it be and it would come back.  If "mommy shut up" was in his vocabulary he would have used that phrase on me today.  Or if he had learned to cover my mouth, like his oldest sister did at the same age to quiet me, he would have done that.  Instead he pointed at Marble over and over, making his "mommy fix this!" noise.  I continued to attempt to explain the concept, in easier and easier terms, while he become more and more frustrated.  I think it ended with, "leave it alone".  I admit, not quite the lovely saying above, but a step above "leave it", which is what I use on our dog.  I felt this was the perfect situation to explain to my son relationships.  It is safe to teach him this with the Roomba, since, once charged, the Roomba will come back.  After all, once he is older I want to know he will give his significant other space. 

Yet after telling him to leave it over and over and seeing him slowly panic more and more (I assume he thought the Roomba was gone forever).  I decided to put the situation in terms that might have made more sense for the little man.  "The Roomba needs a nap.  It is nighty-nighty time for Roomba."  The little man may as well said, "ahhhhh".  He seemed much happier once he understood that even the mechanical pets need to sleep on occasion.  After leaving the Roomba tucked in having a nap, the little man went back to pushing his car around the room.  And chasing the cats.

Happy Friday! From our cat.

I have been asked, in the past:  how can a parent help their child if they are being bullied?  

I read a lot of books and looked up plenty of articles with different advice and theories.  I have written on here about some of them, but I firmly believe to help your child you need to move them.  Move them to a different school, if possible a different neighborhood or city.  They need a clean slate.  Let them know it is not their fault, that sometimes people are cruel.  This advice is not "giving up".  The bully does not win.  It is giving a gift to your child.  They can still have a wonderful childhood, one in which they are accepted and free from stress.  They should not have to be a figurehead for justice, or a martyr for a cause, they deserve to just be a regular child at school.

This might not be doable for everyone, economics and other life logistics can complicate or even negate moving as a viable solution.   This is why this advice is hard to give out. And often, this advice is just not given at all.  The idea that a bullied kid is helpless to the system, doomed to the drudgery of everyday bullying, at the mercy of officials that might at best be apathetic and at worst just not care, is untrue.

To grasp the need for this advice imagine bullying as a bully giving your kid a highly contagious and fatal disease.  Everybody is now afraid to help, because they do not want to get sick.  No one is an objective bystander, because of their fear.  This is true of your child's peers, as well as the administration.  No one wants to admit it, but once the bully gets their target picked out, and the harassment is bad enough that the parent is informed, the rest the school has taken a step back from the target.  School administrators do not want the taint of a poor reputation or potential legal action and frankly some officials are lazy or stupid (watch the film Bully to see what I mean).  Avoid complications, avoid conflict and deny, deny, deny - this is the safest line of school defense. It is easier and better for the school if the problem is the bullied child and the parent or parents of that child.  The other students do not want to be next in line to be bullied - so they either ostracize your child or they join the bully.  Joining the bully seems incomprehensible; however, it is done in hopes the allegiance to the stronger party will keep them safe. Survival of the fittest.

Three years ago a little boy choose to bully my daughter.  Why?  Well, she was seated next to him the first few weeks of first grade.  There is no other reason outside of pure proximity.  What started as stealing her school supplies and poking her quickly escalated into detailed death threats.  She was followed around the playground as he described ripping her head off, among other disturbing imagery.  It is hard to blame the other first graders for taking a step back.  That is some scary shit for first grade; however, why the bully was not expelled is beyond me.  We pushed to have actions taken and were kept at arms length on any of the potential repercussions of his transgressions.  His behavior was as far outside the limitations of appropriate behavior as he could get, unless he actually tried to make good on his threats.  It was explained to me, almost as an excuse, he played violent video games.  WTF, who cares.  Expel the kid regardless of his video game time.  I guess I was under the strange impression school taught students, but I guess the buck stops at how their state tests scores are looking, how they treat each other is not relevant without money to back it.

What affect did this have on my daughter.  Well, what affect would this have on anyone?  She had nightmares and a hard time sleeping.  She had stomachaches and headaches as a result of stress.  Her self-esteem suffered: she worried about her intelligence and her looks.  Her academic progress stopped cold. In the first weeks of first grade she stopped learning.  We were given IEP services for her "depression", but only if we agreed the "depression" had started before she began school in their district - covering their asses in case I brought up her "depression" was directly related to the bullying.  We ended up repeating first grade, at my request.  She not only needed to catch up academically, but I hoped to gain some space from a peer group tainted against her.

Because no adults at the school told her it was not her fault, and they never stuck up for her by expelling the bully she internalized a sense of worthlessness which was reinforced by the other students taking a step back.

Bullying is a public form of humiliation and debasement.  Everyone who does not speak out against it approves it.   Not indirectly, not by accident, there is no oops, sorry.  The way to stop it has to be public intolerance.  Expelling bullies is a public and clear message from the administration to the school, students and the victim that bullying is unacceptable.  

Expulsion makes it clear who is actually in the wrong, in a society that looks for blame in the victim.  Bullies look for a physical trait they can expose as "dorky" (braces, glasses, teeth, tall, short, large, small - you name it), they look for a verbal quirkiness (stutter, phrasing) ,they look for a different skin color, sexual orientation, mental capabilities or even a blush or laugh that they can exploit.  Once the bully latches on to a target the rest of us see this trait for the first time, and secretly we nod to ourselves, oh, I can see why that kid is being bullied.  We reassure ourselves that we are different, we are okay.  Sadly, this is bullshit.  Please look in the mirror, listen to yourself talk there is something there that someone can exploit.  Don't kid yourself.  Bullying is the luck of the draw.  Which is why when I say there is noting different, no fault in the kid being bullied I mean it.  The problem is the bully.  The fault is with the bully.  The characteristic that is unacceptable to society is the bullies need to victimize others. 

It is time to validate the children who are bulled.  Who are worthwhile, who matter.  Punishing the bully with expulsion validates a child being bulled who is otherwise told by society they do not matter.  And my daughter matters.

We have moved.  In our new hometown my daughter is considered a valuable part of her community.  She is doing well in school, she is an artist, a friend, and is most importantly happy!  Today she is heading off to a classroom beach party and life is good.  I want to forget about that one year of bullying we experienced, but that would be doing a disservice to other children out there.  Not everyone can pack up and move from a bad situation.  So it is important as a human being to support children who are bullied, to make it clear it is not their fault, and to voice that the public school system needs to start taking responsibility for the behavior of their students.

Spent the day preparing for the kids Halloween parties. For those who wonder what a stay at home mom does with her time, one of the things I did today was create juice box zombies.  I hope  these little guys make great memories for my daughter and her friends.  Took about thirty minutes while the little man napped.  Just one if the many tasks on the "complete before Halloween" list.

Happy Wednesday night!

Simple things I learned

& 

The Weekend Before Halloween! 

 

The secret to a successful move, and life, is keeping busy.  I learned that from a dear friend in Sioux Falls, South Dakota.  She is humble and does not like it when I point out what I have learned from her.  So I feel mildly guilty when I say, "whatever" and decide to hold her on pedestal anyway.   I will proclaim that she taught me that you cannot wait for the world to come to you - you need to embrace the world!  To reference my title, this as a concept is simple and some people do not have to move to South Dakota to figure that out.  I on the other hand learned, in part due to being starved for things to do in a bitterly cold environment, that taking advantage of what is around you is important part of experiencing life.

In less general terms this means looking for local attractions, events, fun and going to it.  I moved to the right place to try this out, Colorado has large community which embraces this very simple understanding of life.  There is always, always a local event worth trying.  I understand why many of the local cities are considered the happiest in the USA (source CNN money - so, if you think your community is better, take it up with CNN money).  Everybody is always out embracing life - with music, festivals, farmers markets and giant inflatable balls we stick our kids in and watch them run into things!  (See picture below). 

Another reason I am sure that some of our local cities are the happiest in the country are the many local restaurants designed for families.  When I say designed for families I do not mean Chuckie Cheese (which is more like parent hell with loud noises, blinking lights, tracking down your kids, trying not to step one someone else's angel, demands for tickets, demands for money, demands for candy, demands for demands, fights and the grand finale full on meltdowns!  The type of meltdown where you end up dragging your little red faced, tear streaked cherub from the Las Vegas style clinking and clacking machines home - all the while assuring the staff you are not kidnapping your own kid).  I do not mean they have great kid menus with Kraft Macaroni & Cheese and hot dogs (which they chargeyou five bucks for and you could have made at home), or adults in cartoon character suits (which you always wonder what kind of adult is hidden inside), or clowns, or ponies, or crayons (which my son eats or throws at passing waitresses).  What I mean is they have outdoor seating with sun, and fresh air, as well as areas for the kids to do kid stuff AND they serve amazing drinks! 

This weekend our outdoor restaurant had solid Margaritas, plus a place for the kids to draw on the sidewalk with chalk (fenced in), plus a grassy area to run around.  Not only are these kid activities effective and less artificial (no blinking lights, no electronic games, no huge walking teddy bears), there are always kids taking advantage of them.   No one is tense about their children playing - we can see them, they have the fresh air and are less sensory overloaded, thus,(sometimes) they fight less.  It feels more like eating at a park with a waitress and a nice buzz, which is, also a simple lesson to a happy life, superior to eating in an indoor, uptight restaurant and trying to bribe my son with fries to keep him from climbing on to the table and flinging food like a monkey at the zoo.  Or bribing my daughters to not fight with the iPad and Kindle Fire.  One of the first local digs we tried out is an Ice cream shop with an outdoor play area and inflated rubber cows for infants, toddlers and the kids to jump on and wrestle with.  They do not allow dogs inside the fenced off human area (and whereas I love dogs it is nice to know my children can play without ending up in a mess).

We spent Saturday downtown.  We grabbed a bite to eat at an outdoor restaurant, (with, as I feel the need to restate, amazing margaritas), trick or treated from store to store, watched the annual Halloween 10k and 5k runners finished their marathon (I told the family next year we are hitting the 5k - it was the kids marathon!), and finished up at one of our favorite ice cream places (the ones with the rubber cows). 

Sunday we hit the local pumpkin patch!  Well, one of the local pumpkin patches, turns out there are a lot. I learned a couple things about pumpkin patches that I will pass on:

• Hit the Pumpkin Patch Early in the Season.  It was a little depressing to see how many rotted and smashed pumpkins there were... it was also very hard to find ones we liked. 
• Know that you understand the simple and enlighten truth about life - doing things is healthy, no matter how your family acts!  The kids may have stated several times, "I like when we got to Target and just buy pretty pumpkins", they also said things like, "this is hot", and my man might have grumbled "this sucks".   And maybe your son does not face you when you try to snag a quick, cute autumn shot for the baby book (see above picture).  Just know you are doing the right thing, even when you are hot, sweaty hot, and holding an overtired child and a camera that is too heavy (especially when you have an iPhone that takes fine photos), and you kids have backwashed in all the bottled water you brought, and you find yourself snapping, "no" a lot more than you envisioned...sigh... you are doing the right thing!  BEcause, near the end of the couple hours in the Colorado heat, and the pillaged pumpkin patch you kids get to try something new and fun, being put in inflatable balls in water and running into each other!  Then you know, it was worth it to simply leave the house and do something fun!

This might lead to a more than a few tiring weekends, but it also has led to a bunch of wild adventures.

 

Happy Tuesday Everybody!

Be grateful, Monday if over...

(this week)

Our Essentials for the Nomadic Life Style

Evening walk.

My attempt at interior decorating.

We still do not have a permanent location to live.  Right now we are in our new temporary housing.  We spent two months at our old temporary housing, before that two weeks in two different hotels.  Our first real temporary "home" was a sizable (1200 square foot), but really dingy townhouse.  My proof of dinginess was the full canister of dirt in our vacuum every other day.  Yuck.   Our bedroom and living room boosted the only normal sized windows which faced a wonderful view of a couple office buildings and our tiny "backyard" (aka dog bathroom) was over grown with weeds and creepy crawlers.  The part I will always remember are the large, squish resilient spiders I killed daily.  Still get spider-mares at night! 

Luckily our dog loves to eat spiders, our cats are essentially worthless.  The only living creature in my house that helps out is our dog.  She eats food that spills on the floor, licks my sons face clean, licks the high chair clean and eats the bugs I miss, plus alerts me to people at the door. 

This being stated we made the best out of our home.  I decorated with pillows, and a rug from Costco (the idea being to keep my little man off the gross floor as much as possible).  Plus, my daughters and I found Halloween items to decorate with, as Halloween is one of our favorite holidays.  We had evening walks to the local park, very cute park, full of nice people walking their dogs or playing with their kids, plus neighborhood young adults playing
basketball or frisbee.  My favorite part of the park, and really so far of the entirety of Colorado, are the mountains and trees.  Every where we go we can see the mountains in the background, and they are beautiful!  Plus, right now all the trees are turning bright yellows and reds.  Gorgeous autumn colors. 

At our new location we are closer to the community we want to live in and we have beautiful large windows that flood our tiny apartment with light (and heat). Very appealing to my California roots.  At night we take walks around the lake, view the mountains at sunset and get bitten by evil mosquitoes.

The most difficult part of temporary living is that everything we own is in storage.  I found that within the first few weeks I was purchasing things I cannot live with out.  Everyone in our family has learned what our essentials for a happy life are for each of us as individuals.  For me that has been a kitchen aid, effective vacuum and cupcake tins.  All used frequently.  I brought with me my coffeemaker and Romba.  Of course my camera.  :-)

Ramona's most recent dragon drawing

For Ramona art supplies are imperatives; thus, we now have fabric paint, water colors, markers, colored pencils, crayons and paper.  On top of that we replaced scissors, a dreaded addition to our belongings since kid with scissors essentially means little bits of cut up paper all over the floor.  Glue and glitter are similarly dreaded belongings, that we have replaced, and I have spent late hours cleaning off the floor and furniture.  At least Ramona feels at home, and lets face it, when I am hunched over scrubbing glue and glitter off the floor I am pretty sure I feel at home too.

Ramona's Class Flag Design!

Ramona has been flexing her art skills in class too!  She is getting a reputation as an artist.  She takes this very seriously.  Her teacher asked her what she is good at for an in-class interview and Ramona said, "Art".  No real surprise; however, she followed that statement up with, "It was what I was born to do."  This took my breath away.  How many people feel they are born to do anything!  I had a huge mommy pride moment, plus a bit of an anxiety attack about her future... art is not an easy field to make a dent in.   Ramona also won the class competition to create the class flag.  So, she had been diligently designing and painting the flag that will hang outside her classroom for the entire school year.

 

For Beezus we have slowly been building a home library (and of course got a library card).  Currently she into the Warriors series.  Her new reading obsession.  The drawback to Beezus's love of books, she stays up very late reading.  I have to take all the books out of her room, which usually involves looking under her pillow, under bed, under her blankets and in her dresser.  I end up leaving the room with piles of books, which I do not bother to put in our bookcase, but instead dump on the floor.  If I do put them "away" they are all gone anyway by bedtime the next day, hidden all over the room again.  I am proud of Beezus and her love of reading; however, she is the only kid I have which the punishment is no books past 8pm. 
 

Our book collection so far...

Of course, when Beezus is not reading, she is composing a book.  She has her writer's binder full of pages with hand written plots, characters and chapters.  This is harder to take out of the room, because often her loose leaf pages mix with Ramona's loose leaf pages of art.  Ramona hides her sketch pads all over the room and draws late at night and together they make their room a mess of papers and creations- but thankfully the scissors and glue are still in the dining room.  Too bad dogs don't eat paper - that would make my dog the best vacuum ever!







Hope my family enjoys my update.  Things are, as my mom would say, chugging along.

 

Happy Almost Halloween!