Well, having a day to fully digest the book Cinderella Ate My Daughter - I still stand by the points I made - however, as the enthusiasm and feminist giddiness come to a rest, it is important to keep in mind rejecting femininity and boycotting all female marketed toys is not the way to go either. And there is no way to keep children entirely from extensive marketing strategies. I want my daughters to be proud to be female, be able to own a Disney doll and watch a princess movie while at the same time feeling like a strong independent individual. I want her to be capable of making her own decisions and conclusions. Books are great, theories are great and practicality is imperative.
A friend of mine out here in windy South Dakota is reading a book on sibling rivalry called… wait for it… Siblings without Rivalry. I actually love this book. I was so eager to know how to navigate the sibling competition for parental attention that I read the book while being pregnant with my second daughter. I have not re-read it since and I desperately need to reacquaint myself with the principles of the book.
My friend was talking to me about her boys and expressing some disgruntlement with implementing the principles practically. It reminds me of every parenting book I have ever read. So many parenting books are enlightened, researched and full of advice... yet how can we, as parents, remember ALL of it. How can we implement ALL of it. I cannot. And I see no reason to try.
I know I have not followed the principles/concepts of Cinderella Ate My Daughter perfectly, despite believing in the need to raise a strong sense of self and identity in my daughters. Restricting my daughters from owning Disney dolls is impractical and I already failed a long time ago. In fact even after the numerous vacations we have taken to Disneyland, princess movies we have watched and dolls/dresses we have owned – I think I can safely say my kids survived without sacrificing their independent thought processes. There have been many times the Disney princess have given us teachable moments and both my girls have moved onto Legos (not the pink girlie Legos, but Star Wars themed, Harry Potter themed, and City Legos). Both girls are as likely to play in the dirt, catch bugs as dress up. As they get older I see less and less princess or doll play entirely. The other day the girls talked about getting rid of their dolls, feeling they had grown out of them.
Though we were not great about Disney - we set other standards for our house - no cable TV, no movies that are not prewatched by mom and dad first, no wedding dresses for play, dolls have to have a certain length in skirts and dolls with too much make-up are not allowed. It has led to some meltdowns, but we have always been consistent.
For me (I know every parent is different), when I read a parenting book my goal is to remember one key concept that I deem the most important and go with it. Just as importantly I brush off the failures. I do not regret the Disney dolls/dress up, but I do wish there had been less of it. Parenting is failure and adaptation. From Siblings without Rivalry I took the lesson, don't label your children. Instead of saying “You are so smart” I try to remember to say, “That ‘action’ was so smart”. The idea is to relieve the child of the pressure to be smart, athletic or artistic while still supporting their efforts and interests. The same thought process could be applied to illness: Beezus has Celiacs Disease, she is not a Celiac. The disease does not define her, it is only an aspect. Now, ask me something else I learned from Siblings without Rivalry.... I draw a blank. But the lesson I took and have used with my kids, not so bad. I consider it a parenting score!
For me the strategy is to not try to take every concept from every book – only taking one keeps me sane.
AND, whenever I can, I bring up new concepts to my family, on their level, at dinner. Orenstien’s book led to a great conversation at our dinner table the other night. One point that is made by Orenstien is that each princess is marketed as a single princess entity, to the point that even when printed on the same item there is never any eye contact between princesses. Disney felt keeping the princesses separate held the integrity of the stories as separate. This has created, especially in young girls, a schema in which only one girl can feel special at a time. The princesses also all lack girlfriends - instead they have animals to rely on. As a result young girls believe that only a singular girl can play the “main” princess character in any individual imaginary game, leading to problems in pretend play, among other further reaching social problems. Orenstien gives an example of her daughter having a fight with her best friend in preschool when neither girl could agree on who got to be the princess in their ‘game’. A fight I have witnessed among young girls a lot, both in play dates and in school. Beezus, specifically, has always, always played the princess and forced her sister to play a boy or a prince.
At dinner I told the girls about the marketing strategy to keep the princess separate and how it can lead young girls to be less likely to rely on female friends or create solid equal relationships. I made a pointed comment (including a mommy look at Beezus)- Why can’t there be two princesses??? My girls eye brows raised and both girls starting talking and telling stories from their own experiences immediately (although Beezus definitely deflected the implications I was making).
I never anticipated my point beyond a typical boring lecture. I rarely see my daughters as animated in sharing. However, our conversation continued on to other points from the book. Beezus shouting excitedly over us about her experiences and insights. Her sister quieter, listening and interjecting occasionally. We talked about how girls can play with toys like Legos and Video Games without being tom-boys. They can simply be girls that like Legos. I tried to drive home how Legos are marketed toward boys, but are not inherently boy toys.
At the end of the dinner, as Beezus got up from the table she said, “wow, I that was actually a fun talk at dinner tonight!” Her voice indicated that my conversations often falls short of her high discussion standards. Ha!
In general, it felt great to bond with my daughters and give them both a platform to discuss the role of being a girl. I am not sure how much of what I said sunk in – but hopefully it gives them food for thought.
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